The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy
by Seanait
Summary: John decides to put down a few guidelines.
1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to Pegasus

This idea popped into my head while reading a very good story by Wraithfodder... one phrase was written that made my brain click into gear "not in the traveler's guide to Pegasus" or something close like that... and in the holiday cheer, it's a story I hope you'll enjoy... HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy**

* * *

John thought very carefully. Of all the things he'd done in life, this was the most important. The colonel slowly pulled out his laptop and stared at it. 

Across the heading of the Word document pulled up were the words "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy by John Sheppard." Yes, that should do it. This document was going to be sent to all the newbies from the Daedalus because they thought they knew everything about Atlantis and the galaxy in which it resided. Fine, don't take advice from us experienced people.

Cracking his fingers, John set to typing away.

OOO

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy – consider this important!

1. Always carry **some** sort of weapon with you – wherever you go!

...a.Whenever you go through the Stargate, offworld, in the Pegasus galaxy you **MUST** carry a weapon at all times. I don't really care if you are civilian or military. If you  
can't use a weapon, contact me…

Sheppard sighed. He was going to have a lot of people on his hands. A ton of civilian scientists had come on the last shipment from Earth. All who probably had never touched a personal weapon in their lives.

...b. If you do not carry a weapon with you not only will you have one extremely pissed-off colonel on your hands, but you run the risk of being eaten, aged, shot at, injured,  
or killed on any one mission.

2. One can never have enough body bags.

...a. Though morbid, this is true. Always keep a supply of body bags in your puddle-jumper for those fruitcakes that insisted on not using a weapon. (Do you guys get the  
point yet!)

3.** The Wraith**

...a. For chrissakes people, **don't anger them.** It is a BAD IDEA. Pissing off a Wraith could (and probably will be) mean the end of your life through a very painful process.  
First they suck a little life out of you (to ready you for the main course) then they cocoon you onboard their Hive ships. After that they eat you by sucking out years of  
your life in a matter of minutes.

The colonel sighed as he remembered all the poor souls who had relinquished their lives for the Wraith. All the planets too. Half of them had had only a handgun to protect themselves.

4. Whatever you do, try not to get yourself killed.

...a. Although this seems stupid, you have no idea how many people forget this very important rule. This rule involves not angering the locals, not fighting any alien hostels  
whenever possible, spreading Wraith viruses, or being stuck in a small place with little or limited air supply. **THIS IS ALSOA BAD IDEA!**

And what exactly does ST-1 do all the time? Violate that last rule. John thought to himself wryly. 'Do as I say, not as I do.' He smiled.

5. Do as we say and not as we do.

...a. Being more experienced members of the Atlantis expedition, some of us risk our lives in order to save others because we know our way around and stuff. If a noob is  
EVER caught doing this (under his or her own power), you will be severely punished. As you get more experienced you can join in the cool stuff that we get to do.

6. And damn it, **ALWAYS HAVE 20/20 FORESIGHT!** (Whenever possible, yes that goes for you too McKay.)

...a. Don't go blowing shit up if you don't know how it works!

...b. Don't go powering up a deadly weapon without knowing how to turn it off!

...c. Try not to let things destroy themselves, we might need it later.

Grinning proudly, John quickly sent the Guide to all the newbies (and McKay and Zelenka) for them to read over and think about. Feeling satisfied, he got up and waited to see how Atlantis mulled over this one.

* * *

you like? you review... that button down there needs a few friends... 


	2. The Civilian's Guide to the Galaxy

i have to say i am greatly amused that so many people are eagerly waiting for the next installment... there wasnt even going to BE a next installment, but since you asked, i must comply!

**The Mystical Pen** - reactions might come a bit later... but a new chapter has arrived... that ok?  
**Suicune1000** - glad to have you aboard and thank you very much for doing that! (_blushes_)  
**Jade Xianghua** - reactions might come next chappie... okay? (_cowers_) dont kill me...  
**Estel Kenobi** - your wish is my command... read on young grasshopper! lol  
**Nightpheonix** - i like number 9 on the list... you must review! lol, see others will come  
**Anym.** - sorry for making your throat hurt more... and i hope you get much better soon!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - i shall continue forth!  
**Lorency** thanks very much!  
**Erikstrulove** - thanks to your idea, i am!  
**Cat** - thank you very much for pointing that out... didnt you know they fight off McDonalds? lol, silly you... ;)

and now... chapter 2!

* * *

Whistling idly, a planet-renowned, brilliant scientist plopped into his chair in his laboratory munching on the leftovers of a brownie. Flipping out his work pad and laptop, he begin to sift through the mounds of email he received everyday since the WiFi got set up. Each one called for Major Sheppard to look at something or some minor problem with the city.

"'Fix the toilets'… use your gene you idiot. Umm… 'floor's creaky', what's your point? Let's see… an email from 'Major Ancient,' I wonder who that could be…" McKay mumbled sarcastically.

Quickly he opened the document and scanned through it looking for bold lettering and the general stuff. Finding the document rather amusing, he actually read it.

"What idiots…" the man chuckled to himself. He finished the email with a face of dislike and disbelief. "What a… he's…. ARGH!" he yelled startling poor old Zelenka (the other brilliant scientist on the planet, though not as known of).

The Czech spun around in his chair faster than the planet spins to see what had ailed Rodney this time. Had his computer bitten him? Did he fall off the chair and crack his head open? "Vhat?"

"He… me… AH!" McKay raged in penned up fury. Zelenka merely did his eyebrow thing. He had just finished an email from Major Sheppard and had chuckled profusely then Rodney had flipped out.

"Did you get an email from Sheppard yet?" he asked in all innocence.

"YES!" McKay said and in that one day all of his 'rage' flew out. Zelenka looked taken aback from the vehemence in the word.

"Oh."

"I'm gonna get him for that…" the first brilliant scientist schemed. Opening a Word document at lightning speed, thoughts came to mind.

OOO

The Civilian Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. _**When in doubt, fire your weapon at the enemy.**_

... a. This works very well and effectively. Hopefully this will scare off your attacker, or at least slow it down enough so you can scamper through the Stargate.

2. **_When the above doesn't work, panic and run._**

... a. That 'fight or flight' thing only works in one direction unless you are a crazy bastard who's brain neurons aren't functioning correctly along their pathways which results in a miscommunication between what your eyes see and what your body does.

3. **_Panicking is good!_**

... a. Panicking helps in terrible situations, so flip out all you want. That is **after** you run out of ammunition. Then flip out. (It works better and looks more convincing.)

4. _**Tote along your EM pulse generator.**_

... a. It will most likely knock out whatever electronic gizmo that is holding you in place.

... b. The only exception to this rule is, don't let me use it. EM generators don't like me.

5.** Don't screw around with the Wraith!**

... a. You know what, don't EVER wake up a hive ship or kill its Guardian until the proper time. If you do and this inversely affects us, you are an idiot and I will personally shoot you.

... b. Aside from that minor fact, don't find yourself within an arms-length of a Wraith – it's bad for your health.

6. **_Oh yeah, aside from carrying a weapon outside of Atlantis, might as well stick another weapon in your pants_** **for** **_Atlantis_**.

... a. If you haven't noticed already, Atlantis has been besieged by our various enemies and we haven't really been able to defend ourselves as civilians. We can't rely on the military types to save us all the time. Besides, it looks bad for us. Very cliché like.

... b. In other words, go bother the military types to get lessons on how to fire a gun so we can show them up!

McKay looked at his work in admiration. It was a formidable list and a very good one if he might say so himself. After searching the base quickly, McKay gathered a list of all the civilians and sent off a copy of his Hitchhiker's Guide. Oh was Sheppard going to get himself in deee-eeep.

Rodney took off smiling broadly and Zelenka looked at the grinning fool with trepidation and a well developed denial of knowledge.

* * *

hehehehehe... want more? just tell me! 


	3. The Leader's Guide to the Galaxy

more? lol, cool... i shall keep it coming as long as you ask... at least i'll try...

**highonscifi** - yes, i'm afraid it might turn into just that... hehe  
**TheNaggingCube**- perhaps he will...  
**SilverRider** - hey! welcome back! weir might get them in trouble a bit later...  
**Jade Xianghua** - good, at least you keep the killing to a minimum... lol  
**Knightgirl4Jack**- glad you like it so far!  
**Vecturist **- here's weir! and ronon... well... he'll come soon!  
**Linnzi** - read on! there's more!  
**stevewraith**- here's more! lol  
**fififolle** - somewhere i didnt intend is right! this was going to be a one-shot...  
**spice9 **- just you wait, he will... he'll see what kind of a mess he made  
**erikstrulove** - lol, sheppard will take that! LOL!  
**nightpheonix **- yup, we be back with more!

i think i missed one person... SORRY!

anyway, onto... chapter 3

* * *

Elizabeth Weir was a very busy woman. She ran around all day long trying to keep her personnel from killing each other or pulling pranks on each other and what-have-you. She was also responsible for keeping the city of Atlantis from falling over or sinking. With this out of the way, she really wasn't that busy. In this spare time, she checked her email.

And boy did she get a lot of email.

And the occasional hate-mail from Kavanaugh. Figures.

Scanning quickly down her list, Weir efficiently sorted and organized all incoming mail in a matter of seconds. The most important ones, like those from Sheppard, Beckett, McKay, Zelenka, and Caldwell, went on top while all others were sorted neatly into folders to be read later.

Today she got a letter with the subject header: 'The Civilian Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy' from "McKay, Who Else?" Having read the book to which the email referred to, she read the document with interest.

After having a good laugh or two, Elizabeth realized that Rodney must have not remembered, in his haste, that she was a civilian too. So with nothing better to do, she decided to pop open her Dell notebook and start typing.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Leaders

1. ALWAYS bring a bottle of champagne with you.

... a. If not to celebrate, then to get horribly drunk off of if nothing goes right.

... b. Either that or you could use it for defense against evil things.

2. Keep your friends close, but your military advisors closer.

... a. Chances are you have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to the military. And they always like to try to run off.

... b.They make good pets.

3. If the outpost you defend has no physical strength to it, get a shield.

... a. These devices come in VERY handy. They keep other people out.

4. Don't let your best man or woman get seriously hurt/wounded or otherwise.

... a. That is a BAD idea! You will need them later and you will probably beat yourself up about letting them get hurt.

... b. The only exception to Rule 4a is if they decide to skateboard in the Gate room (or anything else as equally stupid).

5. 20/20 hindsight ain't going to help you.

... a. Whatever they say about it, they are wrong! 20/20 hindsight only makes you feel like an ass because you didn't listen to something somebody said or something.

... b. In short, 20/20 FORESIGHT might be better. (If you know what I mean.)

6. When activating something you have no idea what it could do, it's best to have someone who could turn it off.

... a. These types of people are very useful in assisting you. ALWAYS keep them in large supply.

In the middle of her typing, another email popped in from a Colonel Sheppard reading 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy.' So it had been John who had started this whole thing. Quickly reading the document over, she saw why McKay had written up one of his own and laughed.

"Clever John, very clever."

7. If something REALLY bad happens, always have a box of tissues nearby. After that wipe yourself up and keep going.

... a. It makes you look really good if you don't crack under pressure in front of everyone. Do it on your own time.

This time, Weir sent the document out to Teyla, Ronon (the only two aliens who had mastered email), Sheppard, Beckett, and Zelenka. She just HAD to see what this fiasco would turn into. She grinned conspiratorially to herself.

* * *

you tell... i write - very simple! 


	4. The Doctor's Guide to the Galaxy

okay... 22 of you reviewed and i am thrilled! trust me! i love it when people do that! i'll try to acknowledge you all

**fififolle** - thank you and yes, the noobs will share their minds  
**Lorency** - lol, just an idea!  
**Original Max A** - i shall keep it up! this is fun!  
**BeachchickJASSNL** - caldwell eh?  
**GL12** - that sounds like a great idea! watch for it!  
**anym.** - glad to hear you're better! and enjoy!  
**LtCol Carter** - Carson now!  
**SilverRider**- i know, bottle was huge!  
**TheNaggingCube** - great comebacks Weir!  
**Knightgirl4Jack**- and I kept my promise, yes?  
**Christieanne-Anna**- thank you for your kind words!  
**Drakcir **- ah! i write, i write! down... down... good puppy! ;)  
**Devil theory** - perhaps... LOL!  
**Queen Tigeress **- i am continuing... see! lol  
**Spice9** - i will... i will.. lol  
**nightpheonix **- i figured as much...  
**The Mythical Pen** - i know! everyone get into the bunkers!  
**Vecturist **- me too... seeing as Joe Flanagan DOES skateboard... that would be funny.  
**Allie **- they be coming in a bit, i swear!  
**highonscifi** - very close title, but not quite it... but here it is!  
**stevewraith** - lol, all of them! instant chaos! HAHA! i'm done... really...  
**Erikstrulove** - and here i am again at insistance from you and others!

phew... i hope that's 22... (_recounts_) yup, all 22 of you. if you want to join the list, PLEASE REVIEW!

and now... for the next installment of HHGTTPG, chapter 4!

* * *

A long way away, well, not so far, but far enough way away a doctor sat and idly read his email. His email usually consisted of the odds and ends of the human body and what was wrong with it. Little complaints here and there about a kidney acting up or sweaty skin. Sometimes he even received interesting "HELP ME!" emails from one Rodney McKay, but not today. 

Today had been boring. Simply put – boring. No one had gotten hurt, not even remotely burned. Not that Beckett **wanted** people to get hurt, but it sure did make his job easier. Without anything to do, the scientists could attack him with an earful about some Ancient device they couldn't get Sheppard to work on. He sighed.

"Incoming!" yelled his computer. Carson raised his eyebrow. That usually meant an email had just come in. So he dared check it.

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Leaders  
****The Civilian Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy  
Fw: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy  
****umm… hi… again **

"Well well well," Carson tutted. It seemed he had a small revolution on his hands. All the Hitchhiker's Guides were from various people, but all these people happened to be on the senior staff of the city.

Opening each one slowly, he read them, had a laugh and continued on. John, Rodney, and Elizabeth – what rascals! Suddenly, a few ideas started forming in his under-indulged mind that begged to be put down on paper.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Medical Doctors

1. Never EVER do house calls unless **absolutely** necessary!

... a. This will probably result in your capture or some other bad luck.

... b. Rodney McKay is not considered "absolutely necessary" no matter how many times he threatens you. Ignore him.

2. Learn to ignore insistent patients.

... a. Trust me; it's the best thing you'll EVER learn.

... b. And you'll be thankful I told you.

3. Always carry your medical case with you, in and out of Atlantis.

... a. Things have a tendency of going wrong either that or someone just wants attention.

... b. Besides, the quicker you heal the patient, the quicker you can get them out of your hair.

... c. And if you find them disobeying medical orders, you can threaten them with the biggest needle in your kit!

4. "What can go wrong **will** go wrong."

... a. While here abide by that law with all your heart.

... b. It has a special tendency of coming true.

5. If you have a strong natural gene, don't let the scientists take you away from your work.

... a. Be warned: they will abduct you. It happens to everyone.

... b. In fact, if there are some of you out there, could you take my place for a bit?

6. NEVER allow a desperate person (or half-person) near a supply of half tested (or never tested) medicine.

... a. It will undoubtedly be bad for you and your team.

... b. Need examples? Ask Colonel Sheppard about Ford and the Wraith-girl.

Ack, he could never remember her name although he distinctly remembered what happened. Perhaps her name had gotten lost in melee. Anyway, he needed one more brilliant one to top it all off.

7. Whatever you may think as a doctor, a sidearm is a good thing to have.

... a. Yes, do save lives as often as possible, but when it comes down between you and a Wraith – shoot the damn Wraith.

... b. We're at the one place where in a medical situation you'd probably need a weapon to keep yourself from being killed. At home.

Carson smiled and vaguely wondered when this got shipped to Ronon, if he would catch on. He knew that the whole base would end up seeing it including all the newbies from Earth.

Maybe the good Chief Medical Officer had scared them into submission. It was a thought…

* * *

more? please tell! i give you presents later! 


	5. The Local's Guide to the Galaxy

i'm very sorry for the long wait and thrilled from the amount of reviews so far! next week i have midterms so i might not be able to get a chapter written for a week and a half, but then again, you never know!

and now for the thanks!

**Atlantis Rules #1** - wow... I'm really glad you like it so much! (_blushes_)  
**Lorency** - thanks a bunch!  
**The Mythical Pen **- two birds with one stone, lol  
**Erikstrulove** - i know, gotta love Carson... (_sighs_)  
**Christieanne-Anna** - you know what... i think thats a great idea!  
**GL12 **- i write as fast as my fingers and time allows me to!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - lol, i feel all warm and fuzzy inside! i luv you too!  
**Loethaelis** - no way! are you serious! COOL! (_goes to find Kaylee_)  
**nightpheonix **- you are absolutely correct... i couldnt remember her name for shit. i was too lazy to look it up!  
**Spice9** - i update! i do, i do! lol  
**elle** - i'm glad to see you aboard and thank you very much!  
**SilverRider** - rodney is absolutely hysterical! LOL! and to some he is necessary... to others - a pain in the mik'ta!  
**fififolle** - yes... rascals... doesnt it sum it up nicely? lol, if only carson could say that on the show it would be great!  
**PentagonMerlin** - the Psycho-Asshole? oooh... has potential, i look into it ;)  
**Dr.Dredd** - i know... but like i said, i didnt remember and Carson is bound to have a memory lapse right?  
**highonscifi** - yess... that might be next, just maybe  
**CylentWind** - lol, glad you are keeping yourself healthy with the story... laughing is good for ya!  
**Vecturist** - OMG! i can't BELIEVE i forgot the Chair! (_smacks self_) duuuuh... and to think, i created Checkett... i'm an idiot...  
**TheNaggingCube** - oh, Dr. Z will have his moment... and a great shining moment it will be (i hope)  
**McRaider** - i'd have to agree, rodney is necessary... but we wont tell him that... "mustnt feed the beast"  
**stevewraith** - lol, i know... i dont know if i should stop and put reactions or leave it till the end tho...

crap... 21 reviews! yikes... i'm touched really! (_hugs_) thank you! i hope you guys like this one as much as the others!

* * *

Teyla roamed around in the general direction of her quarters from Weir's office. Weir had called the Athosian to her office, hinting that she might need her rarely used laptop. Sneaking around in Earth clothes with a laptop under her arm might look very inconspicuous to you or me, but the other Athosians knew her and she wasn't really comfortable carrying the technology.

Suddenly her piece of technology vibrated alerting her of an… email. She quickly looked around for a table or something to prop her laptop up on. Seeing no such place, Teyla found a step of sorts, opened up her laptop, and propped it up on her knee. It was a trick she hadn't quite mastered, but was coming close to it.

What a peculiar human trait.

The knee-table was equivalent in strangeness and toughness as the shoulder-resting phone trick. Earthlings must have a very odd sense of balance.

At any rate, she looked at her in-base email and noticed a couple different titles. Three of them had been directed to her through many forwards. They were… chain mail as humans say. One was from Ronon though with the heading '**I have something for you - a plan**.'

Feeling intrigued, she snapped close her laptop and headed towards Ronon's quarters. With a small knock she opened the door to his room and found him standing right behind it.

"Hello Ronon. What have you called me for?"

"Well, I got this idea…," he looked sheepish. Teyla looked at him expectantly with a 'well?' look. He grinned a little. "Have you read your email yet?"

OOO

The Local Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Next time some tries to help you, be sure the Wraith aren't involved.

... a. It never fails – if AT-1 comes to rescue you, Wraith will follow. Be warned.

2. Bring MANY weapons

... a. You never know when you'll need them.

... b. Use them often.

... c. Clean them often. (it scares people to see blood on your sword or knife)

For that one Teyla slapped Ronon on the arm. They had been switching off, but Ronon had decided to take control of the keyboard.

3. Keep "duck tape" on hand.

... a. It's a handy adhesive the humans have. When placed over a mouth, it mutes out the sound to mere grunts and muffles.

... b. You can make a holster out of it.

4. Do not do drugs, particularly the Pegasus version.

... a. They are bad for you.

... b. They make you hurt other people with your fists.

... c. They hurt when you go through withdrawal.

... d. They can make you see scary things.

5. When you see a zero point module, kindly return it to the City of the Ancestors.

... a. We… they need them badly.

... b. Besides, it's the City of the Ancestors, respect them by returning their lost merchandise.

Ronon snickered as he typed this in – suckers.

6. When a Wraith male dares to defy you, rap it in the head with your sticks.

... a. This **should** knock some sense into him.

... b. You can also use this technique on human males.

... c. And most other kinds of males.

7. Knifes are very useful hair accessories. .

... a. Not only that, but you can pull them out in a dangerous situation and look really cool!

8. Learn the art of bullshit.

... a. It could save your very life or make you into a goddess (or god).

... b. The exception to 8a is if they (the people being bullshitted) find out you bullshit them. In this case: run.

9. Know that your enhanced Pegasus galaxy "super powers" may look normal to you, but to humans it looks impressive.

... a. Earthlings are easily impressed by such antics as running from or fighting off a Wraith (or something).

... b. You can win them over this way.

10. Try to learn as much about a culture as you can before living with them.

... a. This keeps you from feeling like an ass every time they make a passing reference to something, a "common" colloquialism, cliché, pun, or joke.

... b. A "hail Mary" will constantly elude you even if you do watch… football on… TV all the time with Colonel Sheppard. As will "Ferris wheels," "clowns," why Earthlings watch TV, computers, and a multitude of other subjects.

Yes, that just about settled it nicely. Ronon and Teyla gave each other a high five and pressed the "SEND" button. Teyla composed herself, opened Ronon's door, and calmly strode out even though inside she was laughing.

* * *

well? do share your thoughts, ideas.. feedback! and you might get a dessert next time around! 


	6. The CO's Guide to the Galaxy

meep! sorry for the long wait... but you all know those pesky midterms... THEY'RE ALMOST OVER WOOT! lol sorry...

**Lorency** - you think? lol, i was thinking of poor teal'c being super confused by EVERY nuance. thanks!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - always good to hear "interesting" in a review... thank you!  
**nightpheonix** - true dat, but around Earthlings... not such a great idea, ya know?  
**fififolle** - well, we do do some weird balancing acts... esp. the phone. and yeah, sgt. canada is in the works for later  
**Loethaelis** - LOL actually neither... i havent finished reading it b/c my dad stole it and i've seen it twice... but it comes up in convos a lot  
**Lady Sidera **- lol, glad to make ya laugh... but i hope you didnt give your family too much of a fright:)  
**BeachchickJASSNL** - same question ran through my head and i started to worry where he'd pull them out of...  
**anym. **- now can you get an account here? i'd love to read what you have and list ya as a fave!  
**The Mythical Pen** - oh trust me... i have some pretty weird ideas coming... but first i'll finish will Atlantis.. THEN to Earth we go! keep them coming!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - are you serious? wow... (_blushes_) thank you soo much!  
**Spice9** - and continue i shall!  
**Milliecake** - both your wishes will come true!  
**Lennexa **- i'm glad you enjoyed it and welcome aboard!  
**drufan** - lol, i aim to please!  
**Arwen75** - i'm glad it makes you happy and thank you for your kind words!  
**SilverRider** -i know, seeing his face would be priceless  
**Lyon** - this second i read your review in my email, i said "it's going in" (after atlantis personnel are done and before we move to earth)  
**HIMluv** - the Hittchiker series is incredible genius, but atlantis added in was to be funny... (i'm not that genius-like)  
**Yarrharr** - oh you'll see how the wraith get it!  
**McRaider** - well, i figured they're two prominent aliens from the same galaxy, why not share it? thanks!  
**PentagonMerlin** - well, i guess every story has a moral... i think... lol  
**Vecturist** - oh sorry i forgot to post a no eating/drinking warning... i had someone else who ruined her screen by tea... coffee would be devestating!  
**The Nagging Cube** - i'm very happy that you liked it! thank you!  
**highonscifi** - probably she'll be next... or next after next...

holy cow... thats a lot of reviews! I heart all of you! May the Wraith not cull you and may you bestow your kindness on all who are deserving! love ya!

oh and if you can tell, the story is floating around in order of sorts... as much as possible at least... NOW, on to Chapt 6!

* * *

Colonel Caldwell strode down the hallways of Atlantis with a graceful ease of authority. Or false authority. Yeah people listened to him because they had too, but he was a noob just all the rest. It didn't mean he had to **feel **that way though. Hence, he strode forth. 

Coming near to his quarters, Caldwell's military-minded watch beeped at him indignantly. This meant he had only a half hour left to unwind and take a shower before heading back to the Control Room to supervise the weekly mission briefing to Earth. The colonel sighed, all in a day's work.

But that half hour certainly didn't mean that he wasn't going to check his email.

Plopping his comfy chair he'd stowed away on the Daedalus for this use exactly, he flipped open his handy-dandy laptop. After checking up on his security teams, on went the email. He had at least ten and five of them were spam mail. Spam mail… in the Pegasus galaxy, what gave?

The other five were massive chain mails and, coincidentally, the person who'd passed them on to him was Dr. Kavanaugh. That slimy, sniveling, no-good piece of crap had once again been hoping to undermine Atlantis by sending the fun mails to someone 'strict' and 'no fun.'

'Asswipe…' Caldwell thought as he opened the emails up. At least twenty minutes later, the colonel finished reading all the mail and curious ideas started falling into his own head. This thing was contagious! Awesome…

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for COs.

1. ALWAYS look stern and pretend to know what you're doing.

... a. It looks good on your resume. Not really, but it makes you look all intelligent and stuff.

... b. You get people to look up to you and get to feel special.

2. Never bother challenging women (in any high position) of any social status, race or species.

... a. They will probably always win out.

... b. If they don't succeed, they try, try, and try again.

... c. If **that** doesn't work, they'll use the puppy face.

The colonel shuddered, the dreaded puppy-dog face was practiced and perfected by all women and used on all men. They must perfect it in women's special ops or something.

3. Learn to recognize subtle humor and grunt where necessary.

... a. I think it shows that you are not one to be reckoned with.

... b. Though boring, it may be necessary.

4. Be aware of all enemies you may encounter.

... a. This includes the Goa'uld, the Wraith, the Ori, and the Replicators among others.

... b. Be prepared so when someone tells you the Goa'uld are near you, you don't freak.

... c. You never know where they might pop out at you!

Feeling very uneasy, Caldwell slapped himself. He vaguely wondered why all bad guys are, physically, either slimy, cold, or greasy. It never failed. Shivering, he got back to work.

5. Where there be scientists, there not you shall be.

... a. They are hazardous to your health, hearing, and temper.

... b. They are much smarter than you. If they want you to agree with something technical, get a translator.

6. Never travel without at LEAST three rail guns.

... a. With those incredible specifications, who wouldn't?

... b. If you don't, you're crazy.

7. If spastic-psychobitches ever decide to rampage through your base, don't hesitate to shoot them.

... a. This works for ALL races and species.

... b. This may or may not include Dr. Kavanaugh (any day) or Dr. McKay (on drugs) and/or Lt. Ford (on drugs).

Oh, that was fun! Caldwell sincerely hoped Kavanugh would get this because of the hate mail the doctor had sent to the colonel. He quickly glanced at his watch, sent out the letter to the heads of the departments and scurried down to the Control Room for the 'debriefing' of Stargate Command.

* * *

questions, comments, reviews? click here! well.. down there...

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW! PLEASE RETURN NEXT TIME FOR... CHAPTER 7! (_scary music_). hehe


	7. The Psychologist's Guide to the Galaxy

HIYA! it's been awhile, i know... but this one is slightly longer and will probably leave you feeling good... i hope - you tell me!

**Mackensie Jackson** - oy, i know... 6 chapters and counting... amazing, yes?  
**The Mythical Pen** - ah.. ideas, but you will see... it might go that way!  
**Atlantian (Anym.)** - mind if i still call you that? anyway, thank you very much and congrats on the account!  
**Estel Kenobi** - i loved your review! made me laugh really hard, i think i'll use it later on! thank you!  
**Stargate-Luver **- well... since everyone's been buggin me about Heightmeyer... guess..! lol, thanks  
**LetNys** - Zelenka be next or soon after next! thank you  
**Christieanne-Anna** - (_blushes_) thank you... you're good at making me blush...lol  
**HyperCaz** - glad it made you laugh so hard! no prob  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - of course i saw fridays episode! LOL, great epi there... (what a pansy)  
**Peppermint4** - eventually i'll have to.. b/c i cant keep track of all the stories  
**stevewraith** - oh he gets the email... and we'll see more of him later...  
**The Fiction Spider** - soon perhaps...  
**nightpheonix** - very glad you liked it too... keep it coming!  
**fififolle** - Caldwell NEEDS to be wary of women... its one of the few things he's not wary enough about...  
**Lorency** - of course! it was written for Jack as well as Caldwell, glad you liked it!  
**Spice9 **- thank you for your kind words  
**Vecturist** - sheppard's puppy dog look is incredible! and thanks for the good luck (i know it helped)  
**TheNaggingCube** - glad you liked the intro! lol, it lived up to the Guide? whoa...  
**SilverRider** - wouldnt most love to shoot kavanugh? but if you find him first, he's all yours!  
**McRaider** - glad to be of the anti-stress service, any day!  
**BeachchickJASSNL** - the pulling weapons from nowhere had me staring at the TV like 'jeez, wtf?'

wow, thats a ton of you! i love you all! i cant believe you all like this story so much! and because i like my faithful reviewers... the story goes on for you!

Chapter 7!

* * *

Today had been a bad day for the city's resident slime-ball. He'd sent off emails to Caldwell and his "friends" complaining, again, about the leadership and trying to get Weir and the senior staff in trouble with their childish follies. He expected an email back from Colonel Caldwell about how he was absolutely right and the military should take over. 

Grinning at his own ingeniousness, the hated man quickly opened up his email. Among an inbox full of hate email, 483 of them, and stupid ideas, 87 of those, was a letter from Caldwell. Opening it, he read it smiling, knowing that Weir was about to be kicked off her podium.

That grin very quickly fell off of his face as he read the newest installation of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy" series.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he cried.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Down on the other side of the city, a doctor worked. She never really checked her email, but something that day told her to. She usually listened to herself and her instinct because it usually told her whether a person was truly nuts or something.

The computer beeped indignantly. It wanted her name and password.

She typed in: "Name: Heightmeyer, Dr., Password: wraithscareme." And suddenly her overloaded email inbox appeared on the screen.

Heightmeyer had heard rumors of some "Guide to the Galaxy" or something and how it sick, perverted humor almost. Sounded like some people needed a serious checkup.

Picking up her recently acquired Coca Cola, Heightmeyer took a sip and stared at it. Someone must have spiked it or she hadn't drunken it for so long her body had gotten used to normal un-caffeinated levels, but this stuff gave her a bit of a buzz.

In her email, there were six letters with the last couple words being "to the Galaxy." It seemed the dreaded documents had been forwarded so many times it had finally reached her. Heightmeyer's eyebrows went higher and higher while reading the "Guides" until they almost disappeared into her hairline.

Deciding she needed another sip of Coke (and a slight buzz); the doctor diagnosed these poor people and their state of mind. She giggled unexpectedly and with it came a strange idea, one that would have never even occurred to the "normal" Dr. Heightmeyer, but this was "slightly high on Coke" Heightmeyer.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Psychologists

1. Bring plenty of tissues

... a. This is because things here will blow your mind and if you're not mentally strong enough to handle that pressure, you better have lots of tissues.

... b. Make sure they're Puffs because "every good nose in need deserves Puffs indeed." They're softer.

2. No one is dead unless you actually see his/her/its body. And even then, miracles CAN happen.

... a. I mean come on, IT'S AN ALIEN GALAXY!

... b. Besides, a doctor can reap in the increased umber of clients after such a happening.

3. Just because an alien or an alien entity has taken over a staff member does not mean that you stay around to watch it happen.

... a. This is potentially dangerous to your health. Get out of the way when this happens!

... b. If you die, who will take your place as Head Shrink?

4. Don't ignore nightmares.

... a. After all, you could be Wraith. Or something.

5. Normal diagnoses on mental behavior **probably** won't be useful on about 80 of the patients that will come in to see you. But it makes you look smart/concerned.

... a. Get creative with your diagnoses, but make sure that no one else knows what you're talking about.

... b. If someone finds out you were bullshitting the whole session with your patients, lie or do something as equally devious.

6. Never ever take that last turkey sandwich in commissary. The consequences may be fatal or mentally disabling.

... a. Trust me. Do you have any idea how many cases have been about the trauma of the last "something" in the commissary?

... b. Oh and if Rodney comes in every day (pretending or not pretending) because he's taken that last piece of food for "the good of everyone," he's probably just trying to hit on you.

7. Never never **never** go offworld.

... a. Period, end of story.

... b. Do you know what could happen to you out there? All the unexpected influences and inputs from the environment is enough to make any person mad – including the Chief Shrink.

... c. It's a scary place.

Shuddering with the last thought, Heightmeyer wrapped up her letter and sent it out to as many people as she knew which included Zelenka, Weir, Sheppard, Beckett, and that really hot 'new' guy in the Control Room.

"Yes, fear the power of the shrink's email!" she shouted.

"Uh, Dr. Heightmeyer? You have an appointment with Lt. Hinsley today about her nightmares?" a voice called. Heightmeyer sighed and deflated from her 'rule-the-planet' status.

Atlantis first then galaxy-wide psychologist stations.

* * *

sooo... how'd i do this time? like it? hate it? comment about it? leave a review after the beep and i'll get back to you as soon as possible, thank you. (_beeep_) 


	8. The Scientist's Guide to the Galaxy

since i love my reviewers so much and the muse ran wacky (this wasnt posted earlier due to massive homework, but now its vacation!) i bring you all the next chapter in our saga of insanity!

**nightpheonix** - as requested on the ReviewerPhone, fast next chappie!  
**GL12** - Chuck eh? who's that?  
**Stargate-Luver** - lol, i;m very glad i got _something_ medical right  
**Christieanne-Anna** - thank you very much!  
**Knightgirl4Jack **- yeah, thats annoying... wraithscaremetoo... lol  
**stevewraith **- thanks... i can suffienctly say the chappie was based on small experience  
**Vecturist** - well, i didnt think she'd actually do one, so what better way than to get her high?  
**Lady Sidera **- i'm happy you're wasnt around, wouldnt have been pretty, LOL  
**fififolle **- yes... the hot 'new' guy, lol and thank you much!  
**The Mythical Pen **- lol, thanks (_tries to think what Pen wouldve done with psyche stations..._)  
**Yarrharr **- i went back and found it and was very happy you have left it... gould issues, LOL  
**flubber **- love ur name for one, but he'll come back... eventually  
**AtlanteanFanofEarth **- laughing too early in the morning can be bad for you, leads to giggles  
**Spice9 **- (_nudges_) look below!  
**Out of Phase **- very glad you enjoyed them!  
**The Nagging Cube **- yes, Puffs are very soft arent they, love them...!  
**Beach chickJASSNL **- i be continuing now! glad you like Heightmeyer... hehehehe  
**Mackenise Jackson **- i know, so many POVs, so little time... it will be done!

thank you all for your lovely reviews! i'm an author who, when seeing reviews, remembers to type the story... my brain is like Swiss cheese, without constant reminder... i might forget... lol... see you all... in... The Twilight Zone (_hums theme song_)

right, wrong show... on to Chapter 8!

* * *

A day or so had flown by since one poor doctor got hollered at by some other doctor. And it hadn't been about the next breakthrough in astrophysics either. The brown-haired Czech stared at his computer and blinked, thinking on the past day's events. Rodney yelling at him, Kavanaugh bitching at him… again…, work, work and more work. 

That is what he was currently embroiled in – work. Ick. Not that he didn't love astrophysics (after all, he **was** an astrophysicist), but paperwork galore and other minor problems had built up after he'd ignored them for bigger things.

Now, with all ideas gone, he was tired and really bored. And he needed a break.

Zelenka had thought of heading down to the cafeteria, but he figured McKay would be there and if McKay saw him, he'd be screwed. So the scientist's lab was deemed the safest place to be. With that settled, Radek proceeded to check his email because he hadn't done it for days. Honestly, he'd forgotten the WiFi had been put in after so long not having it.

His "email review" page told him he had 42 emails and at least 13 of them were from various staff members that he knew. Eying his computer screen, Zelenka clicked to see his inbox. Within held many of the same titles:

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Psychologists  
****The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for COs  
****The Local Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy  
****Fw: Fw: Fwd: The Local Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy  
****Fw: Fwd: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Medical Doctors  
****The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Leaders  
****The Civilian Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy  
Fw: Fw: Re: Fw: Fwd: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy**

Looking at them all incredulously, he wondered what Sheppard had gotten himself into. After all, Zelenka had only seen the colonel's original copy of the "Guide." Now… now there were, Zelenka counted quickly, seven of them? Wow. This was a great example of what the Americans called the "grapevine."

OOO

The Scientific Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Look smart, be smart, but don't overdo it.

... a. If you overdo it and you are totally intolerable and egotistical, I will make sure an "accident" will happen in your lab or bedroom.

... b. If you are tolerable and overdo it anyway, I might just employ duct tape. It's scientifically proven to hurt when ripped off violently.

2. If all else fails, hit the ground and start flailing.

... a. It looks like you're having a seizure and might die. The locals might leave you alone after that if it's convincing.

.. b. Besides, it's Dentyne-ism #12.

3. When you find people around you can start understanding your native language, it's time to quit that.

... a. It's kind of odd when an English-speaking someone says to you "I know what you mean" after a nasty Czech phrase.

... b. If they decipher your language, they'll know when you're swearing at them behind their back.

4. When going offworld for a checkup mission, be cool and act cool.

... a. There usually isn't anything around that'll hurt you too badly. Maul you maybe, but kill you, nah unless it's Wraith.

... b. When something will kill you: run. It only makes sense.

5. NEVER go to M7G-677. Ever.

... a. This is written with a blazing passion. There are kids there that have the means to break your equipment.

... b. My sister has a kid, he breaks things, he throws things, he smears things on the furniture – they WILL do something to you as well!

... c. You were warned.

6. Try to avoid flying with Caldwell and crew.

... a. While a good crew that shuttles you back and forth between galaxies, it's a battleship and battleships get into fights. With all those fights, some components are just itching to fail at precisely the worst possible moment.

... b. The less you fly into battle, the less likely you are to be blown up.

7. If you cannot swim, don't try it here.

... a. There are sea-monsters. No joke, they will probably snap you in half.

... b. Rodney McKay wasn't tasty enough to be eaten alive. He was crazy.

... c. Sea monsters don't eat crazy people on the bottom of the ocean, it's not their M.O. We've all seen "Jaws" and movies like that. Sea monsters eat surface people. Beware.

Zelenka looked at the last one and shuddered a little. He hated the water. Correction, he hated being **in** the water. It may have had to do with the fact that he couldn't swim, but he hated the ocean. And what figured was that Radek Zelenka from the inland country of the Czech Republic was now in another galaxy living in a city that existed in the middle of a large ocean.

This was how life got back at people.

Shaking his head, Zelenka sent off the email and slowly eased back into work. Maybe the people would heed his advice. The scientist hoped they would.

* * *

well, now that you're here (and hopefully laughing), it wouldnt hurt to tell me what you thot of it or who you want to see... because my list of people to go is at 2 and then on to outside Atlantis (maybe... probably)

oh yeah! i totally don't own Dentyne Ice gum either... grrr.. its good tho!


	9. The Subordinate's Guide to the Galaxy

hi again! i be back and ready with another chapter! but first i must tell you all - Kavanaugh and Sgt. Canada waiters: believe me, they will be in the story, they just have to fit into the line of progression in, on, or around Atlantis, so dont you worry!

**fififolle** - hey, a review is never late! just fashionably on time, lol!  
**Nyrocat** - havent seen you in a while! thank you very much, i will and have updated  
**McKayLover** - thank you and welcome aboard the reviewer train  
**TheNaggingCube** - (_giggles madly_) thats a great idea! goes along with checkett too...  
**nightpheonix** - no way... you have #12? thats weird... and yes, i will listen to your advice  
**Vecturist** - zelenka needs to vent sometimes... he never gets to on screen really  
**Gatemage** - wonder long and hard (dont strain your brain) then read! and welcome!  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - brilliant idea... she may be next! what do the letters in your name stand for?  
**Loethaelis** - they probably will find their way to Earth thru subspace transmissions or something! look for it  
**drufan** - well of course, b/c sea monsters only attack where ppl can see them, lol  
**Christieanne-Anna** - thank you once again for your kind words!  
**Queen Tigeress** - welcome back and thank you!  
**AFoE** - aha! i found a shorter name for you! glad you liked it so much!  
**Latanya** - welcome aboard and dont worry, kavanaugh will have his moment, hehe  
**stevewraith** - lorne be below and yeah, zelenka is ALWAYS insulting mckay, lol!  
**estel kenobi** - (_blushes_) it shows? lol, jk, but thank you! (_hugs_)  
**PentagonMerlin** - lol, its logic of course! hehehehe!  
**Mackenise Jackson** - gotta keep those native languages secret  
**(blank name) **- you forgot to leave a name... but thank you and i think i pity your nieces!  
**1337StargateFan** - oooh... a kitchen person! like in _Michael_! great idea!  
**futurechildfromatlantis **- i shall try to keep it up as long as its having fun  
**Kath'in Sheppard** - hehe, a red shirt pov would be pretty funny... a noob... (love your name btw)  
**Yarrharr** - i'm glad you still find it as funny as the beginning!

wow... thats a lot of you... lol, i've memorized how to spell all of the regulars' names and i'll get around to knowing all the new regulars too i hope! i hope you find this chapter as enjoyable as the others!

welcome to chapter 9!

* * *

A lonely major strolled down the hallways of Atlantis. Ah, the great city of mystery and Earth lore. And yep, he was on it. That HAD to be major points in the Guinness Book of World Records or something like that. 

As Lorne walked, a causal civilian gave him a thumbs-up sign which he kindly returned with a slightly puzzled face. The image had sparked a memory, but he soon lost it. Shaking his head, the major continued on to his quarters.

Once he reached those elusive quarters, Lorne turned off his radio so he could get some sleep. Of course, this was not before he checked his laptop for stuff. Anything really, anything of importance. Well, he had to find the laptop first. Moving a white towel from his technology, Lorne propped it open on his bed and quickly scrolled down his email. Needless to say he was very surprised at what he saw.

He usually received emails, but not in this quantity and repetition. It seemed these chain mails had been spread throughout Atlantis. He now had a small revolution/confusion on his hands. Lorne had received a ton of emails about the other ton of emails he'd gotten. The noobs were wondering whether to take the Guides seriously or not.

Thinking it over, Lorne decided now would be a good time to read. So he did and was justly rewarded for his time spent. He laughed until circles spun around his head. Being the good-natured guy he was, Major Lorne reminded himself of the poor little Atlantis noobs and thought of a way to answer their pleas.

OOO

The Subordinate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Pay attention to everything.

... a. I mean it; you never know what you might see.

... b. What you might see may make you the city's best gossiper or dead.

2. Listen to everything.

... a. It's totally worth it when girl's or guy's poker night rolls around.

... b. You'll be the life of the party.

... c. Your superior's say stuff around you because they don't think you're listening, but they're wrong.

3. Don't wear a lot of Axe or cologne to another planet.

... a. They'll think you smell bad.

... b. If not, they'll adore you.

... c. Personally, I'd stick with the first alternative. Being adored can get pretty ugly.

4. Try NOT to get stuck with the overly excited or arrogant scientists.

... a. Don't think it will be an interesting experience because it will most likely end with the scientist running off because of some attack and then not thanking you for saving their life.

... b. It never fails.

5. Don't trust the Genii.

... a. Just don't.

... b. There is no b., just don't trust them.

6. When in doubt, fire.

... a. Most likely, you're going to hit your enemy.

... b. If it's Kavanaugh you hit, oh well.

7. When going to Earth, make sure you're actually on Earth.

... a. If not, your body could be stuck rotting away on some planet.

...b. Sounds gross.

The major decided the last one would really suck. You think you're home and then no… you're not **really** here, you're just sorta here. The rest of you is going to die on some weird planet.

Lorne suddenly felt lucky he hadn't been on that mission with the ex-major Sheppard. He grinned and sent the email out to all, including those who had emailed him about the Guides.

His answer was clear: make up your own minds.

But have fun trying to follow the advice if you do.

* * *

hehehehe... i feel evil... it might be the homework and the later hours setting in though... maybe i'll have another by the end of the week! 

so far, the human and humanoid characters in Atlantisi will use are Sgt. Canada, Dr. Novak, Kavanaugh, and Hermiod. am i missing any before i move out of Atlantis? i'm still taking requests! please leave a note of some sort... w/o comments, i cant figure out who to do next! LOL!


	10. The Lover's Guide to the Galaxy

i'm baa-aaack! lol, due to a broken (fractured) wrist from snowboarding, i can't type very fast.. well, i cant type very well. i got around the fast part... but at any rate, i did get another chapter up from someone none of you expected!

**flubber** - i dont think maj. lorne has had a first name yet... like Walter...  
**1337StargateFan** - i have to say, that was one of my favorites! and thank you!  
**Chiianna** - just discovered! (_gasps_) just kidding, welcome aboard!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - oh, he's coming, he's my "closer" sorta  
**Port-of-Seas** - ooh... cadman might be next!  
**nightpheonix** - bates... not a bad idea since hes not actually dead yet...  
**The Mythical Pen** - hehehehehe! that is a great idea!  
**Estel Kenobi** - well... i think grodin escaped the blast... hehe  
**tinkrbell225** - thank you very much and welcome!  
**McKayLover** - oh yes, the Wraith will have their chance at this too!  
**drufan** - the genii get to try their hand at writing their own Guide as well, eventually  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - OH! i thot SNL might have stood for 'Saturday Night Live'...  
**Queen Tigeress** - crazy is good! glad you like it  
**Jade Xianghua** - well... i've been working on those mind-reading powers... you never know!  
**AFoE** - thanks again!  
**fififolle** - i tried to write it like lorne would talk, dry, smooth... that made no sense if u didnt know what i was talking about  
**futurechildfromatlantis** - kavanaugh will be coming, i promise!  
**Timespirt** - sry if it got confusing, its Colonel Sheppard  
**SilverRider** - lol, the mystery reviewer! i shall have to read your SGA fic soon!  
**McRaider** - thank you!  
**stevewraith** - ah, the mind goes blank... mine did too... thank you for your kind words!

yikes, there seems to be more and more of you every time! i luv you all! there will be a special announcement for reviewers at the end of the chapter! PLEASE READ IT!

now... (_drum roll_) chapter 10!

* * *

Dr. Brown (_Katie_, with emphasis, to some) was often seen with her laptop perched carefully on her lap or some piece of equipment nearby. She was good at the balancing act. A few times, in her odder positions, she had caught Teyla staring at her in awe perhaps. 

The doctor often used her computer for work and for catching up with old and new friends on Atlantis. One day, she was shocked to find her email flooded with chain mails from her friends, from forwarding lists… you name it, she had it or was on it. Sitting down, she read a few of the "Hitchhiker's Guides to the Pegasus Galaxy" that had been sent to her.

One had a note from her friend that stated: **Hey, look! It's from your bf! Read, it's pretty funny… not kidding at all.**

So, complying with her friend's wishes, she read on. Katie found many an interesting thing in the Guides relating to her current date. Granted, many snorts, laughs, and appreciative whistles came of out Dr. Brown that morning.

Yet everyone was picking on Rodney (or so it might seem) and she **had** to do something about it!

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Lovers

1. Be careful who and what you fall in love with.

... a. It's Atlantis. It might be all romantic and stuff, but it's also in another galaxy. Use your imagination.

... b. There are a lot of scientists here – be careful what you get yourself into.

2. If you wanted a life of soap operas, go back to high school.

... a. If every time your loved one leaves you're going to make a huge production out of it, go away. We don't want your soppy kind here!

... b. Besides, in soap operas everyone gets cheated on. You want that?

Katie snickered softly yet evilly after writing that one down. She quickly covered her mouth, what was wrong with her? It must be the Hitchhiker Virus…

3. When out on a date, bring plenty of wine.

... a. One, so your date can loosen up around you.

... b. Two, if the Wraith attack, you won't quite remember it happening.

4. Make your date happy with offworld niceties.

... a. Just make sure there's no evil animal or disease inside your gifts.

... b. Therefore, check it yourself. If your date asks why you're sick, tell them you were risking your life for their birthday.

... c. It always works.

5. When something happens, make yourself look good.

... a. When you're telling a story to your date, ALWAYS make yourself look good.

... b. Even if all you did was fall into the dung that was lying on the side of the path in a ditch. Make it sound spiffy.

6. Fear the grapevine.

... a. If you cheat on your date, your date **will** find out in a matter of days, maybe hours.

... b. If you sleep in someone (of the other sex) else's quarters because your room was fumigated, it will come around as you doing something impossibly dirty.

... c. Anything even a little bit bad will come around in the worst possible way.

7. If your loved one happens to be on AT-1 or AT-2, don't expect much.

... a. They probably won't even be coherent for more than 150 days out of the year.

... b. If they are, then most of those days were probably spent in the infirmary.

... c. If the above two circumstances don't apply to your loved one, then they are probably so booked on paperwork that they can't spend time with you anyway.

... d. Don't expect much.

The red-haired doctor smiled. That should do it. A whole set of rules which every lover should abide by. Looking over her handiwork, she decided that the best course of action would be to send it out to all the lovers (including the secret ones) and see what would happen.

This would be fun.

* * *

hehe, someone you didnt expect! 

**ANNOUNCEMENT/NOTICE TO ALL REVIEWERS:**

**Read - **I am working on all the people in Atlantis then the Guides will move OUT of Atlantis via the Gate and/or Daedalus... Here are the people that are left in Atlantis to do:

Cadman  
maybe Bates  
Kavanaugh  
Sgt./Techie Canada  
the Stargate

Once out of Atlantis, the order will probably be something like:

from the Atlantis gate...  
an Ancient  
Wraith  
Genii  
other species...

At the same time it leaves Atlantis via the Stargate, the Guides will leave via the Daedalus in about this order:

from Sgt. Canada...  
Dr. Novak (hiccup woman)  
Hermiod  
SGC

Once back in the Milky Way, I will probably start another story called "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy"

if you can think of ANY people not on this list, **PLEASE PLEASE **tell me!

Thank you for listening to this Public Service Announcement... now you can get on with your reviewing business! LOL

3/9/06


	11. The Female Marine's Guide to the Galaxy

wow, that last chapter sparked some pretty amazing reviews... there was a lot of praise... so before i get down to each of you, i'd like you all to know that reviews really do make my day (just like all of you probably) and i thank you all for the ideas! (_hugs all_) you all get iCookies, best in the universe!

**001ElvenWarrior** - lol, you arent the only one waiting for Kavanaugh... and yeah, the Milky Way should be fun  
**flubber** - yes, well rodney does set himself up a lot for these attacks... i'm afraid i dont know what copper, kettle and black is  
**The Mythical Pen** - oh yes, the system lord will be terribly fun! hehehe... the wackos guide... your idea? i've forgotten... (_blushes_)  
**1337StargateFan** - ah yes kavanaugh... he will be difficult to write and i hope i dont disappoint...  
**Chiianna** - omg, hermiod will be soooo much fun! glad to see you back at any rate!  
**Lorency** - lol, thanks... yeah, i think i've done everyone with a known name...  
**McKayLover** - i'm thinking about an Atlantian, but then we wouldnt have background info... hard but possible..  
**Erikstrulove** - ford... hmmm... (_giggles madly_) oh yesm i couldnt leave out ford... by "other races" i meant him... and others...  
**AFE** - lol, thanks for the sympathy, hehe... but yeah, no one else comes to mind... (_thinks hard_)  
**atlantian** - wow... gushing praise! thats very different! thank you thank you thank you and i hope you continue to enjoy them  
**Moondoggy -** lol, thanks and welcome! at first i thot you were my older cousin, he uses moondog, but he doesnt watch stargate... so phew  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - more you shall get NCS! welcome to the reviewer's committee by the way!  
**Nightpheonix** - that was funny! can i use those lines somewhere? and sgt canada... have you heard a name yet? lol.. yes an epithet!  
**Interstella** - oh yes, Kolya is definately gonna have a shot at this! thats gonna be SOOOO much fun!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - well... kinda... i needed to tell the inquirers what was to come so i wouldnt miss their faves  
**TheNaggingCube** - lol, it was an idea i'd been toying with for sometime, but not really serious about... glad you think its good!  
**renisanz** - lol, welcome and thank you for your words of wisdom and praise! yes, i do have quite a ways to go, dont i?  
**Andi** - LOL! much 'yay' on the cute control room guy!  
**Yarrharr** - hmm... what a grand idea! that would be soooo funny if john got it!  
**fififolle** - lol, glad i got her personality just right for ya! every gals gotta have a cheeky side, right?  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - i'm very happy to be exercising your stomach and mouth muscles! please exercise at your will!  
**nyrocat** - hey, good to see ya! and ford should be interesting to do... like a schizophrenic man!  
**Port-of-Seas** - i just might use that name... the malcontents guide to the galaxy, has a nice ring to it  
**stevewraith** - lol, you and everyone else are looking forward to him... i cant figure it out either actually...  
**Vecturist** - well, atlantis isnt all that big for human population and everyone lives in the same area, so gossip must be wildfire!  
**Delka** - stupid questions are allowed, thats why i'm here! AT-1 is like SG-1 since Sheppards team doesnt have a name... Atlantis Team 1  
**SilverRider**- i know i know, i'm in waaaay over my head right? i think you're right too...  
**Loethaelis** - glad you liked it! i will be happy to oblige you!  
**McRaider** **- **wow, thats a great idea... that would be soooooo funny! i can put them in the "other races" catorgory, right?

whoa... thats a lot of you! i'm happy you all took the time to stop and give some great reviews! please waste... i mean spend more of your precious time giving more reviews!

And now... the rest of the story!

* * *

Lt. Cadman was a Marine. And almost as importantly, she was one of the best bomb experts. Correction, a high temperature and energetic materials technology expert… and she could tap dance. In her line of work, her laptop or some sort of computer was **always** hovering around her. It was her lifeline. Without a computer, she couldn't study any of the effects explosives had on the puddlejumper for example and she wouldn't be able to study stress lines either. 

But most importantly, she had been stuck inside Rodney McKay's head for two days.

As she reflected on that incident, she chuckled. In a way (a small way) she was indebted to Rodney because she was now going out with Carson because of it. Oh well, she could still creep the man out whenever she walked by. Cadman didn't blame him either; she was creepy and had a wicked sense of humor.

Speaking of humor, Cadman logged on the nearest computer to work and check through her email. She usually had to plow through it to get to what she wanted. As Laura opened up her email, she realized that it wasn't plowing she was going to be doing today, but more like mass eradicating emails. There sure were an awful lot of them. There were a ton of chain mails that had bounced around Atlantis so many times that they probably didn't know the difference between a 1 and a 0. Jeez, there was one from the colonel, one from Major Lorne and one from… Rodney? If he had written one, then what harm could it be if… hmmm…

OOO

The Female Marine Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

1. When in doubt, take the grenades.

... a. This directly applies when you are loaded to the teeth with everything else. No one remembers the poor little explosives.

... b. C4 and grenades have a running rivalry, remember that.

... c. Besides, you can drop grenades onto people's heads.

2. With long hair, one can creep out the males.

... a. This includes bald Marines and Rodney McKay.

... b. It keeps people guessing what you're hiding in that skull of yours.

3. If you get stuck inside a certain arrogant scientist's brain, it would be best not to make sarcastic remarks or jokes.

... a. Arrogant scientists don't have a sense of humor.

... b. Kissing a very hot man when you're in a man's body is… a little weird looking.

... c. Yeah jokes about citrus, don't go there. Not kidding.

Oh yes, that was a Rodney bash if she'd ever heard one. If Rodney read this, he'd be livid. Oh right, he will read it at one point in time! Cadman smiled and got on with her Guide.

4. No matter how juicy the rumor, don't let everything you know spill out.

... a. I made that mistake and it got me in Dr. McKay's head.

... b. If you don't spill, you have a hand over the person in question.

... c. Makes you feel all-powerful… for a brief moment in time.

5. When dealing with people you work with, make sure they know how smart you are.

... a. They see a Marine and a female.

... b. First, kick their ass for presuming the worst about Marines. Second, show them how damn smart you are by ripping apart their favorite scientific toy and putting back together with a great technical explanation.

... c. It works really well. They tend to avoid you after that.

6. Practice with Teyla.

... a. She's probably the only female on the base who could seriously kill a guy Marine.

... b. Take **those** lessons, it's totally worth it!

... c. Can you imagine the look on their faces! snicker

7. Being sick has a tendency to make a loved one love you.

... a. If he doesn't, play it up some.

... b. If that doesn't work, he's an ass and deserves to be dropped like a stone.

... c. Of course if he's a cute ass, consult the shrink.

Oh, that had released some of the tension that had been building up in Lieutenant Cadman all day. After a bomb scare, a testing of a device interface blowing up on her and some bad tempered colleagues, this had been fun.

Now smiling like the devil, Cadman pressed her send button hoping that all in Atlantis would receive her beneficial advice.

Suddenly those bomb tests she had to complete seemed a lot more exciting.

* * *

okay Lt./wraithman Ford has been added to the list under "Other races" along with Chaya (i think) and perhaps Ellia? i dont know yet... i'll tell you when i get there! 

leave some lovely reviews and recieve more iCookies and iPies!


	12. The Malcontent's Guide to the Galaxy

hello hello hello! this will be my last chapter before going away to England for the next week! (just so you know) and this is the chapter you've all been waiting for... i hope its up to par!

**thecrystalkey** - thank you and i shall keep it up! welcome aboard!  
**nyrocat** - update? whats that? lol! i will i will  
**PKBitchGirl1** - hmmm... that wraith would be fun... yessss... good idea!  
**SeagullMan** - she could totally kick a marine's ass! thats the best part!  
**Earllyn** - just found! (_gasp_) LOL, jk... welcome to the reviewers board...  
**atlantian** - lol, bashing your head and computer in isnt gonna make me post faster... but its worth a try :)  
**McKayLover** - that would be funny... everyone would be like WTF?  
**fififolle** - lol, those bald marines, they're out to get ya!  
**1337StargateFan** - thats good, i made even a non-Cadman person like it! thanks  
**Janajyo** - yeah, the cute tech man is Sgt. Canada... thats all we know of him... glad you like it!  
**flubber** - yay! a loyal reviewer! (_hugs_)  
**AkimaDoll** - ah the twisted little snake has his say this chapter!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - thank you very much!  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - yes, women rock and rodney needs a date life!  
**Port-of-Seas** - ooh... a threat... yikes... well, its here... do read...  
**001ElvenWarrior** - lol, yeah kavanaugh is sooo hated, you're probably right...  
**Delka** - glad you love them so much too!  
**Loethaelis** - ah, you like iChicken? sounds good! we shall have a feast... on me!  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - lol, i shall keep writing... i would die otherwise!  
**nightpheonix** - iPi! thats brilliant and sticking things in the Musical... ooh so many backwashed ideas!  
**stevewraith** - giggles can be slightly dangerous... dont hurt yourself, i want more of your giggles this chapter!  
**SilverRider** - ah yes, the ever growing list of fics to be done... oy, thanks for your support!  
**Stargate-Luver** - you mean... Sgt. Canada! we know he's a sgt and hes from Canada... hence the name.. lol  
**Erikstrulove** - lol, a people liked 3! but you were the first to say so! #3 could be yours!

wow... tons of reviews! i love you all very much for your time in reviewing! i hope i didnt let you all down on this one... this is a tow-in-one chapter... you'll see...

and now... chapter 12!

* * *

During a debriefing with some new members of the expedition, Colonel Sheppard became bored. Yeah, he was supposed to be helping McKay and Zelenka pick and choose, but honestly: this sucked. So, guess what he did. Checked his email. Oh yeah and what he found made his eyes bug out a lot. 

Zelenka looked up at him and tilted his head in question. Sheppard gestured to the laptop then sent an instant message by way of Dr. Z.

**Sheppard: Yo doc, check your mail… those guides we sent out… yikes…**

Zelenka, disapproving of the nickname, checked his email anyway just to see what on Atlantis Sheppard was crowing about. His large brown eyes bugged out as well.

**Zelenka: Ah… I see… that's… a lot of forwarded guides, wouldnt you agree?**

**Sheppard: oh yeah…**

**Zelenka: get any… "noobs" to respond**

**Sheppard: well… no. hey, lets get these guys into it.**

**Zelenka: colonel…?**

**Sheppard: they gotta be "in" to be in Atlantis!**

So Sheppard called a quick break.

"Kids, can we all look at our mailboxes? This is "How to Check Your Intranet Email 101," Sheppard smiled. The scientists groaned, **they** all knew how to check their emails. Several of them could read quite fast and suddenly, the three senior staff had at least five very scared faces looking up at them.

McKay chuckled conspiratorially as John rubbed his hands together. Zelenka made them all jump by cracking his knuckles. Show time.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

One lonely, and self-proclaimed genius, sat idling away in his lab. This certain scientist was again pissed off. The commander of a very important scientific outpost had AGAIN usurped him in his latest and most brilliant suggestion. He had suggested that the commander step down.

That had pissed her off royally. Must have been that time of the month.

Not only that, but the pony-tailed scientist had all these Guides that were aimed at him. Kavanaugh sulked in the depths of his secret lab. Not even that bumbling idiot McKay knew where he hid.

Ha, and that man called himself a genius? Amazing. McKay probably couldn't even find the difference between a magnetoplasmadynamic thruster and a magnetohydrodynamic drive. What a simpleton. McKay was a poor astrophysicist by any rational human's standards. He probably couldn't tell Kavanaugh the whole theory behind string and superstring theory and who came up with both theories.

Suffice to say, he, Dr. Kavanaugh could tell you.

And that pompous ass of a man, Colonel John Sheppard… what gall to accuse HIM of being a Goa'uld… oh yeah, not first on the list eh? What a bastard! And the never to release that untamed dog of his on him… ugh!

Anyway, there was only one way to get back at these people who had made his life a living hell.

OOO

The Malcontent Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Never let an emotional female run your expedition into another galaxy.

... a. This will result in unnecessary deaths, risks, and/or aliens overrunning the city in which you inhabit.

... b. It's generally a bad thing.

2. When a general in the USAF tells you that you're going to be the chief scientist in Atlantis, don't be idiot enough to believe him.

... a. I didn't believe him, I swear!

... b. Even if I did (and I didn't!) it wouldn't happen ever again.

3. If pompous asses keep you from doing your job, kill them.

... a. If only I knew how to work a gun…

4. If other people think that killing one person to save thousands is weird, you're hanging in the wrong crowd.

... a. Yes, I can't quite understand that notion. If your commander cares about one person more than you and everyone else, you have a problem.

... b. It probably means that the commander and he are too close.

5. When everyone else doesn't seem to think that you aren't instantly popular, then show off.

... a. This tactic worked admirably for McKay and he has undermined my hard work and effort.

... b. This tactic also works well for Sheppard and Weir – the two senior staff who run things. Surprise, surprise…

At this point, Kavanaugh put up his head in a truly vain form. It was almost like no other hair on Earth or Atlantis was allowed to exist save his. He looked around haughtily and continued with his perfectly reasonable list.

6. When an alien tells you to be quiet, you know you have a problem

... a. Obviously the alien doesn't realize how essential you are to everyone.

... b. Besides, "be quiet" is just the way of an inferior saying "quiet, because I need time to think about this hard question that you've already solved."

7. Don't even bother looking brave if you're scared. The best thing to do is to say so and run.

... a. I mean how logical is it to falsify what you're really feeling? If you're scared, run away.

... b. Apparently, no one, not even McKay, has enough wit to run at the sign of danger.

Kavanaugh felt proud of himself in a small way. This was pay-back and they'd all better listen to the one and only Dr. Kavanaugh the Amazing!

Only because… he was amazing.

People had better learn to deal with his extraordinary brilliance fast.

* * *

today for the **REVIEWERS**, we have a feast planned of iChicken (both of iDarkMeat and iWhiteMeat), iTofuTurkey, iPotatoes, iMashedPotatoes, eCranberrySauce, iBeer (forlegal drinkers), and much iPie (and iPi), eCookies, eBrownies, and iCake! and it is all... on me! (if that is your custom of course, lol)

hope you enjoyed the chapter and will enjoy the meal!

4/12/06


	13. The Techie's Guide to the Galaxy

(_desperately begs for forgivenness_) I'M SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY I HAVEN'T PUT A CHAPTER UP IN SO LONG! FORGIVE MEEEEEE!

school got really hectic and i was betaeing someones story... and, to the whims of the muse, even when i did have time, Djari (my muse) was dry. She was argueing with Urgo...

Djari: Was not!  
Shay: Oh reaaaaally...? (_disbelieving look_)  
Urgo:Dj scares me, she argues too much. (_eats pie_)  
Shay: Do I have to separate you two?  
Dj and Urgo: Noooooo!  
Shay: (_sigh)_

i digress...

**Romulus Magnus** - i shall not bash Sergeant Canada, this is him getting back!  
**SalanTrong** - anything you like... since its online, order yourself some! iSoda sounds lovely  
**atlantian** - lol, dont hurt yourself... and the responses will come, and you went to England with me, in spirit!  
**flubber** - glad you liked it! and iPi has pi shaped cuts in it and its nerdy-like, have all the iOJ you like!  
**Christieanne-Anna** - lol, i had to be pissed off enough to do it... had to be the right mood otherwise would have sounded bad  
**AFoE** - glad you think i got him right! you know, coffee would make him more strung up, but then again scientists thrive on it...  
**McKayLover** - lol, i did read that poem, nice job! and thanks you for your kind words (_hugs_)  
**stevewraith** - glad you thought the ego was dead on! lol, i hope your carpet is soft for landing on  
**drufan** - totally agree with you, hes an ass... and the Genii will come come i promise!  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - very happy you enjoyed it! and yeah, Kavanaugh does ramble, doesnt he?  
**Port-of-Seas** - very glad to have your company through this story! and i hope you look for more, lol!  
**PeoplePerson** - let me say "hello!" and welcome to the club! glad you liked the story and i bet your ideas are great!  
**Yarrharr** - if he knew how to use a gun, there'd be no show by now... ooh, more chapters!  
**Earllyn** - hello new reviewer! and the responses of the others will come, probably next chapter!  
**prue** - oh yes, they will be added! oh, welcome to the show! if you want a total listing, go to the bottom of chapt. 10!  
**AkimaDoll** - oooooh the president writing one! that would be great!  
**nightpheonix** - iPhi! the symmetry of life and everything! because Phi is one H of a lot better than Pi! yeah  
**mt. girl** - comtraya to you and welcome! yeah, i've heard the iPie is delicious! thank you for your kind words!  
**Delka** - lol, Kavanaugh in a new light? is it the godly light with the "aaaahhh!" or a strange light? lol  
**Gatemage** - thank you very much for your continued support! hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - lol, yes write your fics, but still read here! yeah Kavanaughs an ass... hyperbole... (_thinks hard_) OH! thanks!  
**dwparsnip** - hello hello hello to the Pegasus Galaxy and hope you enjoy you're stay... LOL! ooh how to kill Kavanaugh? has potential!  
**fififolle** - anything i can do to make ya happy! and yes, Sgt. Canada will have his moment! actually, this is it! hope you like!  
**Erikstrulove** - OMG! CUT THE PONYTAIL OFF! I LOVE YOU! (_whittles furiously at a story_)  
**SilverRider** - well, technically, its because of Sheppard that another chain will start, well it never ends... so yeah, he's starting it!

(_stares at large amount of reviewers and mouth drops open_) oh my god... i love you people! you really make my day! its so much fun getting all these ideas!

and now... chapter 13!

* * *

The man sat at the advanced control panel while idly scanning through the systems he watched. He, the sergeant with no name, sat waiting and watching for the next big event in Atlantis. He leaned forward, hearing voices, and placed his elbows on the console. 

Something interesting, huh? Huh?

The voices faded away. Apparently nothing interesting was happening today, not even a simple wormhole activation. He sighed; god today was BOOO-OOORING! It wasn't like the Canadian thrived on the chaos, fear, and pain that came and went through the Stargate, but **nothing** had happened. There was only so much one could do to keep one mildly entertained.

The unnamed Canadian sergeant (who was proud of his unnamed status… it was mysterious…) had attempted to divert his attention with Solitaire on his laptop. Quickly checking over his shoulder for his superiors, Sergeant Canada started his 378th game. Bored of out his mind, the sergeant had started to guess what the ratio of a win to a loss was.

Surprisingly, you lost a lot more than you won in Solitaire. Cheap game…

At any rate, email interrupted his Solitaire train of thought. It had popped into his head suddenly; the sergeant hadn't checked it in quite a long time. Long being ever since his predecessor and friend Peter Grodin died. The man sighed and opened it up and the first 26 emails were those of his colleagues. They were all titled "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy" or "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for " and most had the heading RE: or FW: in the subject line. Absolute madness.

Feeling intrigued, Sergeant Canada read them all. Well, all the original Guides and being the mischievous soul he was… just let me tell you he quickly pulled up a Microsoft Word document and put a little black on white.

OOO

The Techie Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. When shit hits the fan, get down. Fast.

... a. Most likely, the 'shit' will be bullets and plasma shots and weird things like that.

... b. Oh yeah, close the iris on the Stargate. It just might save your life from all those weird things shooting out of the gate.

2. Don't, whatever you do, DON'T remove the self-destruct crystal from the control panel! Even if it is for teasing Dr. McKay…

... a. Yeah… not saying I did it, but it's not labeled as dangerous or essential to Atlantis.

... b. In fact, it's the same clear color and shape as all the other control crystals. Unless you work at my station, don't touch!

3. Get the ATA gene therapy. It's worth it.

... a. It means **you** can play around with the coolest stuff in Atlantis.

... b. This also means that you can find some wicked cool stuff and do things that others can't.

... c. Besides, it looks like magic. The chicks love it.

4. Have excellent reflexes.

... a. You never know when that surprise call comes and you suddenly aren't allowed to hit the button that dials the gate.

... b. Hey, you can look like Neo if you can dodge those plasma shots.

5. Get out of Dr. McKay's way when asked.

... a. If you don't, you will be shoved out of the way and probably yelled at.

... b. The only reason he will probably want to see you is if you screwed something up or if he needs your station to save Atlantis again.

6. Pillars are your friends.

... a. Learn to love the pillars near you. They will protect you from most everything.

... b. You can hide behind them and pretend you're invisible.

...c. Of course, if you actually **are** invisible then no need to pretend behind your pillar.

7. Make good friends with your local Stargate,

... a. If you don't, it may not work for you very well.

... b. This is time honored stuff here, Sgt. Davis did it and so did Peter Grodin. So obviously it works.

... c. You really don't want a misbehaving Stargate.

The sergeant stopped his things-to-obey-by list. He scrolled up and scanned his work lovingly. This had been a great way to get rid of the stress and the boredom of the last two hours. Sergeant Canada checked his watch. It was time for the weekly reports to Earth… which meant Dr. McKay was going to bound in here (hopefully in a decent mood) and order him to push the big, white, Ancient buttons on the big, blue, Ancient DHD.

That was fun.

He grinned. The sergeant loved to dial up the gate and announce who was coming home. He did want to go home eventually… but he was WAAAAY too important to this mission, right?

Sergeant Canada tapped his Send button and out it went into Atlantis to all the techies that dreamed about his vitally important position.

The sergeant scowled briefly. It was **his** position, HIS! And no one was gonna take it from him!

* * *

like it? LOVE IT? hate it? TELL MEEEEEE! 

oh and nightpheonix, when Kavanaugh one day goes SNAP _(snaps fingers decievely_) not only are we gonna be screwed, but he'll make himself Emperor of the World and Two Galaxies! I mean, tell me, how many people can hold THAT title! not only that... but Rodney and him will constantly go at it for the ego title...

For the rest of you: an iFeast with every possible efood under the iSun! Loosen up your bandwidth!


	14. Newbie Reactions

OMG! I'M BACK! Djari (my muse) has decided to relent on her story strike... otherwise known as writers block... grr... this one is long... i hope you like it and it wasn't just me rambling into oblivion!

**BizzyLizzy** - glad you like it so much! and welcome to the Reviewer Advisor Board, lol  
**flubber** - ah, that eSunblock man... good stuff, did i say Atlantis had an iris! oh great, thanks for noting that  
**sqwrath** - lol, very happy you like this! and welcome to the fun! read on!  
**AFoE** - ooh... stupid thing... oh well, its good that you told me somehow! thank you!  
**AkimaDoll** - ah, this one's from lots of people!  
**atlantian** - yes, the very important job of the techie! a guide to a guide, lol, sounds fun  
**McKayLover** - lol, glad you loved it! thats wasnt the right story? oh... liked it anyway!  
**Yarrharr** - yeah, kids probably know AIM... he should have a name, Walter only got a name later!  
**thecrystalkey** - that sounds very interesting... maybe Jack'll do something like that!  
**SilverRider** - yeah... mckay mad would be like a bull in a china shop... or something  
**Romulus Magnus** - lol, he should have a name! but not even Walter had an epipthet before a name!  
**Port-of-Seas** - you have pillars in your schoolyard? cool! i'd be posessive of techie if Grodin can be killed off so fast!  
**fififolle** - lol, glad i was able to make you happy after making you wait for soooo long for Sgt. Canada  
**stevewraith** - hmmm... those hard carpets are no fun to fall on... glad you liked it so much tho!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - sergeant major canadian man huh? interesting... did he tell you that? LOL! thanks for that!  
**Delka** - yeah, he needs an interview... i mean all the wraith get names, even fake ones, but names all the same!  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - lol, thanks... and the bit about the pillars loves you too!  
**Queen Tigeress** - i know! totally unfair, he so needs a name! glad you liked the chapter!  
**Earllyn** - lol... give the credit to the name Sergeant Canada to fififolle!

lol, i think we've all agreed, Sergeant Canada needs a name! but think of it, before Walter had a name, he didn't even have a nickname... but we've learned that if we dont press for the name of minor characters that they wont get the job done... but, at the same time, i guess minor characters given names right away die quickly... like peter... (_sniffle)_

anyway, on to Chapter 14!

* * *

A simple email went out to all the frightened noobs of the city:

"Meeting: in the Large Lounge at 2200 hrs/10 pm. Be there to discuss the problem!"

All of the 76 newbies in Atlantis flocked to the Lounge at ten o'clock that night. The senior noob, a military officer this time, held the meetings. See, the structure works like this: in Atlantis, you were classified as a noob for one year (Earth year). The senior noob would be just completing his or her first year in the city. So when their time came to leave the Atlantis Society of Noobs, they appointed another noob that would be finishing their first year within two months.

The Senior took on all the responsibilities – they were secretary, emailer, meeting holder and head gossiper. The group came together to talk about the problems they were having with the senior staff or what they could do to bribe Weir and stuff like that.

So they filed in and the Senior started off.

"Hello noobs of Atlantis. Today we are here to discuss the impending issue of the widely accepted "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy" email series started by Lt. Colonel John Sheppard. What is your input to this problem?"

A gaggle of scientists, who had recently come from Earth, shifted uncomfortably. They elected their Head Speaker, she was a nervous one.

"Umm… we feel that these Guides pose as a threat to our work and daily lives at Atlantis," she mumbled. The Senior leaned forward to catch her sound waves.

"How do you figure miss?" he asked.

"Well… it puts a tremendous stress on the Under Two Month noobs like myself. We don't know any of these people or if any of these people will act out if we don't follow their rules." The kind, but soft spoken doctor sat down.

"Thank you. That was the input from the Under Two Month noobs. Anything from the Under Five Month group?"

Another scientist stood up. He was covered in soot marks and everyone knew he worked with one Rodney McKay. The audience crooned in sympathy. This man was prepared; he had some papers in his hands.

"Hello all. I'm Dr. Nunez and I work with Dr. McKay. As I see it, these Guides are pretty accurate if my reaction from Dr. McKay is anything to say…" All noobs gasped, he had actually dared to discover the truthfulness of the Guides by testing them on McKay! Brave soul…

"Law number 1 from McKay's list: 'When in doubt, fire your weapon at the enemy.' While accompanying McKay offworld, we ran into some trouble. I did not have a gun on me." The military personnel cringed. "Suffice to say, McKay blew up at me for not protecting him. And when I didn't panic about it, McKay asked if I was human… I believe these Guides protect us from the bad sides of our superiors."

The Under Five Month noobs clapped for their brave soul as he sat down.

The Senior sighed. This new development had his newbies scared and he could see it. He didn't blame them for being terrified though.

"The Under Eight Monthers? Do you have anything to say?" These souls knew some of the senior staff, but the noobs mostly knew them from order giving or frantic help because the noobs screwed up.

A new Marine lieutenant stood up, he had just graduated from his Academy. "Sir," he started, recognizing the Senior as an officer. "We, the Under Eight Monthers feel that these Guides simply provide a strict guideline so noobs like ourselves don't get on the bad side of our superiors." The Marine wasn't afraid and his companions didn't look afraid either.

This was the middle group, they knew the senior staff, but they weren't getting ready to stop becoming a noob and actually work in Atlantis without the support of Atlantis Society of Noobs. This group always thought that noobs problems didn't really existed and was, therefore, not looked kindly upon.

The other noobs glared at the Marine as he sat down.

"Okay… traditional output of the Under Eights… how about the Under Ten Monthers?" This group was the most skittish as they were getting ready to move into the Senior group and getting ready to work next to the senior staff of Atlantis.

"Yes, hi… umm… we're nervous about these new laws because they make it harder to judge our more experienced counterparts. In turn, we can't judge who they are properly and being the group that'll soon be getting that chance, this frightens us. We don't know how they'll react to certain things. Think about it, any one of you could find yourselves working with a senior member and what we say will affect you too," said the young female Air Force officer/scientist. She sat down with a shudder.

A large pause settled over the Lounge as the information sunk in.

It was chilling.

"Right… Senior group of Under Twelvers, what do you guys have to say for yourselves?" Another female, a medical doctor, stood up.

"Well, we weren't nervous… but due to the Under Tens, we are now since we are the group moving into the ranks. With me, I work under Beckett. He's a sweet guy and all, but his Guide makes me very nervous to go offworld now!" She paused. "That's all I wanted to do and then the guy I work under issues a document saying don't go offworld unless someone's life depends on it. It's scary. We don't know what to think!"

The Senior was visibly shaken as he stood up this time; his Moving into Atlantis' regular personnel took place within the month. "Okay folks… voting time!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Within twenty minutes, the votes were in and sorted. The chief of voting handed the Senior the final decision.

"Okay, 79 say the Guides are a problem, 13 say it's not a problem, and 8 aren't sure yet. The votes are in and the noobs have spoken."

The Senior looked upon his charges and they were scared, even more so than when they had walked in. Some were shaking like leaves at the news – they fears had been confirmed.

"Goodnight all and that concludes this meeting of ASN."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The next morning, all the body bags and hand guns went suspiciously missing.

* * *

love it, hate it? think it was stupid! tell me!

oh, and no the noobs didnt kill themselves, if you must, reread Guide 1 and 2, remember John says always have extra body bags and both John and Rodney say grab a hand gun? lol, just thought i'd remind you all instead having you reviewers yell at me for killing off half of Atlantis... anotheractual Guide will come soon!


	15. The Stargate's Guide to the Galaxy

not as may people liked the last one? hmm... i hope this one stands up to par! well, then again its coming on summer, this site almost cloes down for the summer, soo... yeah

**Beack chickJASSNL** - lol, thank you, glad you found it funny!  
**Port-of-Seas** - LOL! they are frightening creatures...  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - ah, frosh are you... lol, thats all fun... yeah, noobs need strength!  
**Nightpheonix** - lol, thats okay and djari tells kekipi to work on her own writer's block!  
**fififolle** - lol, i think i'd hide myself in a bag with a gun... no one would find me!  
**McKayLover** - i was thinking about it, but seeing how skittish they are, probably not... sorry...  
**Errant of the Violet Shocker** - welcome to the reviewer committee! LOL, glad you like it so far!  
**SilverRider** - lol, very happy you like it! i didnt know if it sounded too awkward or not, lol  
**Vecturist** - lol, yeah, but can you imagine the letters home? "mom... i got attacked by a Guide..."  
**001ElvenWarrior** - i know..i hate it when my muse takes off, esp. with so many ppl wanting more chapters of this!  
**The Mythical Pen** - lol, yeah... i bet jack will appreciate it!  
**x-izzles-x** - lol, welcome welcome! i'm glad i put the note too... everyone would be like "WTF?" lol, thanks!  
**stevewraith** - lol, glad you like the class system! i thought itd be a good way for them to be... assimilated...

lol, now i know why this probably wasnt such an attractive chapter for noobs... because it takes reading the whole story and makes no sense to those who havent read it yet... whereas a Guide almost stands alone... easier to read! but anyway... **THANKS YOU LOYAL REVIEWERS!** and new loyal reviewers! love you all!

and now... chapter 15!

* * *

The Stargate of Atlantis was utterly bored. No one had dialed in or out in the last week except for the weekly report to Earth. Not that that was boring, but it was tiring. That single dial to Earth took up most of the gate's energy. In short, he was pooped. 

Hell, the Ancients had dialed at least three places every week when they had been around.

It was a trying job being a Stargate. Not that he minded, usually… he was the most important gate in the Pegasus Galaxy to at least three different civilizations! That meant that he was fought over! This delighted the gate more than anyone, save Atlantis herself, could possibly imagine.

At any rate, the gate had heard some mutterings about some sort of Guide. He'd never heard of a thing called "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," but he had heard that each one of them had seven laws that the individual thought others should follow.

It seemed reasonable.

Well, then again… these Earthlings were pretty strange… but the Ancients were at fault for that.

Seeing how much commotion these Guides were causing over an internal system called "e-mail," the Stargate decided to try one out and see what happened. He shook briefly as he giggled.

Sergeant Canada looked out into the Gate Room as it briefly shook. With a cocked eyebrow, he quickly checked the gate diagnostics and found nothing wrong. That was odd because he had definitely seen the Stargate… he hated to say it, but… he'd seen the Gate giggle a little.

Shaking his head, the sergeant left a diagnostic running. The Stargate hijacked the laptop and opened up a little program known affectionately as Word…

OOO

The Hitchhiking Stargate's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. When dialed up, try not to giggle when your floosh comes out.

... a. It can be really distracting.

... b. You don't want to be poked and prodded by an interested scientist either.

2. Try not to burn down, fall over, or sink into a swamp…

... a. None of this is particularly fun… I've sunk into an ocean, a bit watery.

... b. It also leaves the people you're sworn to transport stranded.

... c. That sucks. They give you grief about it ALL the time!

3. Try not to get anyone stuck in your buffers.

... a. It's extremely uncomfortable!

4. Make your wormhole ride as rough as possible.

... a. Although we are sworn to transport whoever comes through, it doesn't mean we can't have a little fun!

... b. Besides, it's always fun to see the poor things come tumbling out your end.

5. When re-settling, tell the rest of us your new address!

... a. If you don't tell us during the update, we can't throw our people by to say hello.

... b. It's bad karma for the next family get-together.

6. If you're an orbiting gate, get your stabilizers checked every 50,000 years.

... a. It helps.

... b. We don't want you floating away or into the nearby planet.

... c. If you do float away, that violates rule #2!

7. And as always, if someone with magnetic material on them is pinned against you, start spinning.

... a. It's terribly fun to see them go up and over in a bunch of circles, only to be jerked by for another chevron.

... b. It always makes the locals scratch their heads.

After the Atlantis Stargate was done with his paper, he downloaded the file into his own buffers and politely asked Atlantis to broadcast the message, without disclosing their position. This action was immediately preceded by a tapping of the "Send" button on Sergeant Canada's laptop.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Uh, Rodney… what's this?" Weir asked as she saw Atlantis quickly transmit something. McKay turned to look at the subspace map.

"I don't know… hold on a sec…" He quickly took a look at what was being broadcast. McKay's face turned puzzled.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, worried.

"Yes? Oh well… it's not giving away our position, but… the content is… interesting."

"Yes…?" she prompted. She really needed to know if Atlantis was sending out a message to the Wraith again.

"It's a Guide."

Weir walked back to her office, closed the door, and started to howl with laughter.

* * *

Love it, hate it! **I NEED TO KNOW! **really, i do... i need input to see what i should tweak or not! its how i work!

besides, if you review, you get your name and a personalized answer! that's hard to get these days with voicemail y'know! thanks!


	16. The Entity's Guide to the Galaxy

omg... 27 reviews for a single chapter? you guys honor me! really, i'm extremely happy that you all loved the last chapter! _(hugs)_

**AkimaDoll** - lol, of course it works silly! jk, thanks for your approval!  
**atlantian** - ah yes, the Stargate **should** be feared, it demolecularizes you, thats scary... how was camping?  
**The Mythical Pen** - nah, but that idea might pan out in the SGC... lol thanks!  
**AFoE** - lol, no tweaking? how kind of you! i know so much for the show being called "Stargate," sheesh, producers...  
**Port-of-Seas** - well some gates are girls, but i always imagined Atlantis as a girl so... it'd be awkward  
**fififolle** - wow... a genius? ME? _(hugs)_ thanks!  
**TheNaggingCube** - lol, glad you loved it so enuthastically!  
**Delka** - hehe, yeah, you know those stargates, they think of EVERYTHING... lol, they're gates!  
**McKayLover** - lol... can you just imagine a bunch of gates floating through space to get together? it'd be funny...  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - next one up is a hop, skip, and a jump (literally) from the gate!  
**firefly-827347** - hello new reviewer! **very **glad you're enjoying the story! and floosh is a common word to describe the blue thing...  
**x-izzles-x** - random would definately be on my list of words to describe this series, nevertheless that last chapter! thanks!  
**Errant of the Violent Shockers** - can i call you EVS? i'm extremely happy you enjoyed it so much, thank you!  
**SilverRider** - lol, gates giggling would be a heck of a sight to see, wouldnt be? glad you liked it!  
**AKAArzosah** - comtraya to you! the AI idea is great! i was wondering how to do the SGC comp, thanks!  
**Gatemage** - lol, i'm keeping up as fast as i can! thanks for the support:)  
**drufan** - impish... i like that! you're right, the SNL thing... never really seen it, but yeah... must have been my muse's fault...  
**sqwrath** - rodney's a smart guy, but this is a challenge for him! lol, very very glad you enjoyed the last couple of chapters!  
**MuseUrania** - you are dead on... of course Atlantis gets one! thanks for coming back on the reviewer board!  
**NenyaVilyaNenya** - oh yeah, if a Stargate was doing a Guide, i'd think i was nuts too... but then again, they're in another galaxy...  
**nightpheonix** - i was wondering who would pick that up! apparently only you commented on it... damn straight the 4th is up!  
**Nelowl** - lol, if you have a tendancy of assigning human stuff to objects, please read _Get On Board_, that's all its about! and thanks!  
**Reefgirl** - hello, hello, hello! very happy you liked that point of view! and thanks for your kind words!  
**Romulus Magnus** - lol, rodney would lose it if he saw the gate was sentient, at least Sgt. Canada could accept that fact! i think...  
**stevewraith** - hehe, a gate's sense of humor is rather... brutal isnt it? but its kinda funny! i'd love to see that on TV! thank you!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - only the second? i thought there were more Stargate POVs, a shame... glad you loved it so!  
**BizzyLizzy** - awww... thats nice of you! glad you love this series! keep reading!

WOW! i love you guys! you really make my day/really early morning/really late night! this story really must be something... i mean i've been called a **genius** twice, **cool**, **creative **twice, **impish**, **amazing**, and **random!** ALL IN ONE CHAPTER! that's a freaking record!

_(ego balloons)_  
_(Muse pops balloon)_

Shay: Djari! What was that for?  
Djari: Oh.. nothing... _(hides pin)  
_Shay: Hand over the pin... I felt you do it!  
Djari: _(innocently)_ Do what?  
Shay: _(growls)_

I **REALLY **hope this chapter stands up to the overwhelming praise of the last one! and now... chapter 16!

* * *

Sitting in the middle of an ocean wasn't particularly fun after a while. You know, yeah the ocean was all pretty and blue and stuff, but after a while, it got boring. Especially after 10,000 years of it. It was the same monotonous view day in and day out. Then something interesting had happened, after these 10,000 LONG years people had come. People from Earth no less, imagine that!

The city sighed. When people weren't poking around her, the Stargate was fooling around with something, gods know what. When that activity died, Atlantis spoke to Arynn, the entity that was the Chair and liaison to Atlantis' power. Arynn was a good friend and had been ever since her soul had been placed into the Power Chair to guard it.

But friends too became old after 10,000 years. After that long you run out of topics to talk about.

Recently, a little excitement had come into the life of Atlantis. The Stargate had covertly asked her to send off a message, out into space, without alerting anyone. Naturally suspicious of attempts like these, Atlantis had wondered why. The gate had told her that it was something humans called "humor" and had invited her to read it.

So Atlantis called up Arynn who, recently falling in love with the Earthling doctor, knew much more about "humor" than she did.

The two met in the realm in which Atlantis' soul and Arynn existed as pure energy and conversed over the topic known as a Guide. Arynn had laughed at length and tried to explain the humor to Atlantis. After some time, Atlantis had gotten the joke and sent off the message. When this act had been completed, the scientists started poking around, nervous that another rogue program had gotten out. The two women laughed and came up with a rather devious plan.

OOO

The Entity Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Don't intentionally drown yourself.

... a. It's not pretty.

... b. Do you **really** want to see three shades of blue and the occasional fish in all the time that you wait for someone to find you?

... c. Not really. It's boring.

2. If you're abandoned on a planet for an indefinite amount of time, beg your captors for more companions.

... a. Trust us, it'll be the smartest thing you've ever done. You'll be glad you did.

... b. After all, not every being has the luck of being stuck with Dr. Kavanaugh poking at your systems.

3. When in doubt, **do not simply remove a clear crystal!**

... a. This **hurts** and if you hurt the thing that's keeping you alive, sweet revenge will soon come your way.

4. When you know of certain, but interesting, dangers, don't tell anyone.

... a. It's most fun to watch people run away screaming.

... b. Besides, this act of aggression will tell nosy ones to stay out. Hopefully.

5. Watch your step.

... a. You never know what's gonna eat ya.

6. Protect other, less fortunate, entities.

... a. If you don't, well let us remind you why you should. We're entities meaning we're pure energy – we're going to come after you if you leave us to wither away.

... b. Last we checked subspace travel is no problem. We can be at your place before dinner.

7. Don't give away the secrets of your power in one blast.

... a. It's so much more fun to let it seep out slowly so no one actually knows what the full extent of your powers are.

... b. If you do let it all out, scientists will start asking questions and poking at you – mark my words.

Giggling, the two entities of Atlantis put the finish touches on their masterpiece. This was their first attempt at actually making humor and it was addictive. Realizing it would be too much of a risk to send the Guide over subspace, Atlantis put it onboard the Daedalus for transfer to a safe galaxy. She didn't need the Wraith knowing that she was alive.

Arynn cackled with mirth at the fact that they seemed very cruel, but it was more a Guide for entities and for how to survive your encounter with one.

Doing a little fist punch in their imaginary world, Arynn went back to the Chair and Atlantis went on patrolling her systems.

Maybe, Atlantis thought briefly, she would try a little humor on the humans. She wondered how they'd take to that…

She grinned evilly and crackled her fingers.

* * *

**well? Love it? Hate it? So-so? PLEASE tell me!**

I need to know how this is going and i need ideas!


	17. The Ancient's Guide to the Galaxy

hello hello and comtraya! i'm very glad everyone loved the last chapter! you all honor me with your words of praise!

**ALL READERS, YOU MUST READ THIS:**

Okay, this is the point where the story splits into two veins. One, starting from Atlantis' Guide, will go onto the Daedalus and go off to Earth from there, resulting in another story. The other, the one starting from the Atlantis Stargate's Guide, will head off into subspace to be read by all the known races of the Pegasus Galaxy. I will alternate between the two paths. Obviously, the Guides on the Daedalus will end soon, cascading into another story, but the Guides that are bouncing around the Pegasus Galaxy via subspace will be around for awhile.**Remember, those on the path starting from the Stargate will not know about Guides that are being created on the Daedalus. So please don't ask me why someone's Guide isn't in the lowdown if they're not supposed to be there! Got it? Good.**

okay... i just wrote that three times due to internet difficulty... grr.. stupid computer!

**flubber** - lol, it can be for whoever you like! sorry i updated early and made you miss the lineup! but thanks for your reviews!  
**Whirlwind-2005** - brilliant? i'm touched! thank you so much! thanks for reviewing this time too! welcome!  
**Gatemage** - i promise, i'll get people's reactions eventually... probably after the Guides leave the Daedalus or something!  
**Sea Fire** - thank you! glad you think it's that funny! hope you didn't hurt yourself laughing... like some other ppl i know...  
**SilverRider** - LOL! well, i had no other way of it getting there, so hey the Daedalus looked nice! omg, sam's gonna flip!  
**Grub5000 SJ Fan** - if you email me about the confusing ones, i'll clear you up, but other than that - thanks for reviewing!  
**AFoE** - yup, arynn is from _Get On Board_... hehehe, thats okay, i know you're reviewing in your heart even if doesnt let ya!  
**EVS** - okay, thanks... your name is one of the longest here.. so yeah... anyway, thanks for the thumbs up!  
**Sepik** - as if it wasnt before? yeah atlantis is kinda cruel... thanks for your review! you're new - welcome!  
**stevewraith** - well, i guess to have such a legend behind it as Atlantis does, one has to have a heck of a personality!  
**sqwrath** - lol, glad you find this sooo much fun! i'm having fun writing it too because of all you guys! thanks!  
**Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith** - HEY! you're back with Steve Plushie! the wraith guide will be dedicated to you and steve!  
**Delka** - _(sigh of relief)_ i'm very happy to hear that the last one stood up to the test, thank you!  
**MuseUrania** - lol, my imagination sometimes goes a bit too far... but i'm extremely happy that its being put to good use! thanks!  
**nightpheonix** - very very funny ideas! omg, a malp would be great! maybe i will... sing!  
**Nelowl** - lol, yeah Atlantis strikes me as being pretty funny... i mean to be around that long... ya gotta be... thanks for your kind words!  
**Reefgirl** - ah yes, very very devious! i shall keep the chapters coming as fast as my muse can work!  
**fififolle** - lol, more like Entity has Kavanaugh to play with... not love.. that was sarcasm, but Kavanaugh is fun to zap! glad you liked it!  
**AkimaDoll** - yay! i keep garnering approval from Akima! lol, the Ancients got this one! thanks for your approval... again!  
**The Mythical Pen** - lol, you mean drones... a drone doing a Guide? hmm... maybe on Earth it shall... thanks for the review and the ideas!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - wow... this story is addictive? thank you for the high praise! i'm estatic that you think so! i will continue to write then  
**Vecturist** - _(snorts)_ yeah, when it comes to sheppard, beckett and **mckay** the chair gets awfully devious! lol, thanks for reviewing!  
**Port-of-Seas** - OMG! that's a great idea! _(laughs hysterically)_ i can totally see arynn taking over cadman! thanks for the laugh and the idea!  
**Romulus Magnus** - yeah, rodney's pretty hopeless... more chapters are coming your way, i promise!  
**x-izzles-x** - lol, reactions will come soon... well, eventually! i'm sticking to 7 for consistancy... besides 7 is a lucky number :p!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for ALL of your praise! Heck, thanks to AtlantianFanofEarth, I was called a genius **twice in the same review!** That is absolutely amazing! I even almost got sung to by **nightpheonix, **who continues to call me crazy, but I don't blame her... she knows me in real life... but everyone's loving the story and i'm loving writing it! YAY reviewers!

Shay: Djari, I swear if you try to pop my ego balloon one more time...  
_(pop)  
_Djari: Heh, oops...  
Shay: That's it!  
Steve Plushie: _(growls)_

anyway... onto... _(drum roll)_ chapter 17!

* * *

In a world of pure energy, messages came already looking like proper letters. It was like the deal with the newspaper – only paper in the Ancient plane of existence. Just because the message was ascended, it didn't make the content any less shocking. 

Now Ancients weren't known for their sense of humor because, frankly, in their dealing of humans, they'd never shown it. In their plane though, laughs were exchanged constantly between friends. Seeing as Ancients were also very secretive and untrusting, these bursts of humor were also rare in public.

One 'morning' the post came in with a directed to Caden. Caden was one of the original Ancients – one of the ones that died at Atlantis while trying to defend it. He had also been a good friend of someone named Daniel before he had descended. He knew about humans' strange sense of humor that no one in the universe seemed to get.

Anyway, Azis, the designated 'mailman,' came by, said his hellos and threw a bundle of letters at Caden. Luckily he caught them. The package would have bowled him over. Fourteen large envelopes were tied together to make this bundle.

Caden cautiously opened up the top letter, thinking that this might be a trick from his devious friend Brant. When it didn't explode in his face, Caden went on to read the letters and found himself face-to-face with some real human humor. What a prize!

The Ancient devoured the content of the packages until he came to the last one. This one had originally been a subspace transmission to anyone out there. It was lovingly labeled "The Stargate's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy."

'That devil of a gate…' Caden thought. He knew that the Atlantis Stargate had a wicked sense of humor. He laughed and shared the letters with his friends with little more than a thought.

In a place where energy ruled, thoughts could very easily become matter. Caden started thinking up some matter of his own.

OOO

The Ancient Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Don't mess with life on the lower planes.

... a. If you do the Others, who you will probably never see, will come and ruin your pitiful mistake of a life.

2. If we find you in ANY way involved with Oma Desala (sexually or physically), you WILL be punished to watching something, be it a planet or a person.

... a. You were warned. Oma, while a very tempting target, is **off-limits!**

... b. Besides, if you tangle with her, you're probably in violation of rule #1.

3. If you find AT-1 or SG-1, clear off.

... a. These people are trouble! They will probably rope you into doing something. If not, something will happen where you **have** to act.

... b. Most likely someone will get hurt, enlightened, or screwed over royally.

4. If anyone goes to Atlantis, tell the humans that they're… doing fine.

... a. Please don't tell them about the spare ZPM room in the basement.

... b. If you do, we'll come after you.

... c. Those ZPMs could get rid of our purpose here – you know, to watch and not do anything.

5. Don't use your powers on anyone that can't defend themselves against you.

... a. Baaaaad idea because in a couple years friends, family, and allies of the person you blasted will rise up against you in many numbers.

... b. It never fails. Haven't you seen all the movies?

6. If someone finds a brutally important tablet regarding us, take it away!

... a. Please take it away from them. Most likely it is AT-1 screwing around will business they shouldn't be screwing around with.

... b. If you can't take it, scramble the letters up so many times that they will never be able to read it.

... c. I think this is the only time you can interfere with humans, so make it worth while.

7. Don't act like a god.

... a. Yeah yeah, I know it's terribly fun, but it makes you look really stupid.

...b. Trust me; it's so much better to show people your powers if they know you personally.

... c. Personal knowledge of you and not your powers makes for **much** better photos!

Caden was immensely proud of himself. That covered the rules of the Ancients… in some lack of detail, but people would get the general idea. Humans were, generally, smart like that. They'd get it…

If not, well… that would be bad.

Sneaking around, Caden let the message go in a burst of data over subspace like the Atlantis Stargate had done. Maybe someday the message would reach Daniel at Earth – he'd have a laugh!

Now Caden was free to go do some 'enforcing' of his own. First, he would concoct a nice little present for his friend Brant… then maybe he'd go conquer France… or not.

Maybe just the ascended world.

* * *

Good, bad, horrid? 

Lol, some of you might recognize some of these rules from another story... kudos to the person who figures out which story it is!

Oh, sorry if i offended any frenchman/woman with what i said... its just a phrase i hear a lot...


	18. The Assistant's Guide to the Galaxy

Sorry for taking so very very long! I was betaing, then I was away, then my muse gave out... ugh! It took a long time to get this one done... couldn't think of much, but it's finally done! So again, very sorry for taking **forever**! At least I gave everyone enough time to review! lol

**scifiprincess** - oh don't worry, that wraith guide is coming! and welcome to the reviewer board! lol  
**nightpheonix** - ooh, kudoes to you for the story... i know, poor new ascendants and Caden will triumph!  
**atlantian** - lol, are you having dreams about my story? hehe, god sg-1 will be fun... and make sure to fix your smashed comp :)  
**Whirlwind-2005** - oh well, you know those Ancients... they can get their hands on anything... lol, they're good like that  
**Christieanne-Anna** - hey, welcome back! havent seen ya in a while! and thanks, glad you liked the last couple chapters!  
**AFoE** - 24 hr Alan Rickman marathon? interesting... glad you kept your eyes open long enough to read the chapter!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - dont worry... i butcher spanish with the best of them, i'm glad you liked the last chapter!  
**SilverRider** - hehe, amusing, eh? lol, i'm very happy that you enjoyed it!  
**EVS** - i'm glad you got a kick out of the last chapter! hope to see you review again!  
**flubber** - yes! i made another laugh out loud! of course atlantis has a basement! thats where the water damage is... _snicker_  
**Erikstrulove** - lol, did i make you speechless except for "Awesome!" thank you very much! glad to see you again!  
**Delka** - omg, i know.. if the PTB read this... (_heavenly music)_ lol, go ahead, make all the 'bummer stickers' you like!  
**Sepik** - lol,i know... ancients with humor - scary... heh, if Atlantis ever found that ZPM... _giggles_  
**firefly-827347** - yeah, if only that zpm was there is right... it would make things veeery interesting!  
**fififolle** -thanks for your praise! really! glad you liked Caden... yeah sorry about the A/N, is was the only way i could explain things  
**Port-of-Seas** - nah, i was just borrowing Amaruk's plushie for a bit, no i have an Urgo plushie.. it eats pie a lot and annoys me...  
**TortieKitten** - i'm very glad that i got you rolling on the floor laughing hysterically! i'm very happy that it was your fave chapter!  
**Beack chickJASSNL** - lol, the other stories will be coming... eventually, i'm glad you already appove of them! thanks!  
**AkimaDoll** - of course you get your SGC Guides! Lol! i wouldnt do without them! (_haughty voice)_ i'm glad i maintain your approval.  
**stevewraith** - in that case, i'm glad you didn't die! lol, your poor sis... i guess its the funny ancients that does it... sounds oxymoronic...  
**Romulus Magnus**- lol, thanks for your words of praise! i'm happy you thought the chapter was good! thanks again!

Hey, hey, hey! I love you guys, really I do! Again, I was called a genius and brilliant! Yay! All of your reviews say that you like my story! (_hugs_) I mean, heck, this story even got nominated for the Stargate Awards this year! Awww... thanks!

Djari: She's lost it...  
Shay: Quiet you!

_

* * *

Hiccup! Hiccup! _

Well this was embarrassing… _hiccup!_… The hiccups bounced off the walls of the metal ship quite loudly. Many looked at her as she passed by them, trying to cover up the sound.

Hermiod, who had grown used to the sound, merely narrowed his eyes at her. Dr. Novak half-smiled as means of an apology. She knew that if she could get to her computer she'd be okay. Writing or working took the stress out of her.

_Hic…_

"Dr. Novak," Hermiod said severely.

"I'm sorry Hermiod, but I'm just nervous… you know how I get when this happens…" She trailed off as she recognized the first signs of babbling. "Sorry again."

"Apology accepted doctor, but there is a message here that I think you should read," he stated calmly. "I will send it to you."

"You got mail!" Novak's computer shouted happily. This time a small blush ran up her cheeks.

"I gotta change that…" Novak murmured as she opened the email Hermiod had sent her. She'd been meaning to change that notice for months now.

Novak opened the email with no subject from Hermiod – he didn't get the purpose of having a subject header when the person was just going to open the letter anyway. She looked at the length of the email and gasped.

"Hermiod, this is what you would call 'chain mail.' It means that it's been sent along god knows how many times to different people. They're usually used for fortunes and stuff." Novak looked up at Hermiod who was staring at her blankly. "Never mind…"

As she scrolled to the bottom of the email she saw a compilation of "Guides" written by Weir, McKay, Sheppard, and even Caldwell. Many of these Guides were actually very funny – that included the one from Caldwell… amazingly.

The last sender of the chain mail was an email address that she didn't recognize, although she knew it came from the city because of the origin of the email address: The scientists in Atlantis had thought it amusing to have internet this far away from Earth so they had given everyone email addresses with the ending Scientists… psh.

Wait… she was a scientist too! Right…

OOO

The Assistant Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. When working with aliens who use eyes for their primary 'body language,' learn it fast.

... a. You do not want an angry Asgard on your tail! They can be brutal with all that knowledge at hand.

... b. Also, you don't want an Asgard scorning you as a lowly lifeform for the rest of your life.

2. Never try to argue with an Asgard.

... a. You will lose.

... b. They're worse than the best lawyers on Earth. Combined.

... c. So don't try, just hope that they'll see things your way.

3. In tense situations, try to contain your nervous habits.

... a. It makes things really awkward if you can't… really awkward.

... b. It makes you look incredibly guilty if you get immediately nervous.

4. When an alien proclaims himself smarter than you, don't argue.

... a. This alien is probably self-centered and needs to hear that's he's smarter than you.

... b. He/she probably IS smarter than you anyway.

5. When your commanding officer wants you to do something, do it.

... a. Military types… can't argue with them – it doesn't matter who you are.

... b. When they want something done, they expect it to be done, no matter what.

6. Arrogant scientists… try to avoid them at all costs!

... a. They'll try to take your humanity away. Really… they'll think you're incredibly stupid and you can't figure things out on your own.

... b. They also sometimes make the mistake of violating rule 2. In this case, stay out of their way and laugh at them when the Asgard wins.

7. When posting yourself on a dangerous mission, update your will.

... a. I have come face-to-face with death sooo many times in only two years – so be warned.

... b. After all, when was the last time you updated your will?

When Novak finished her Guide, she was sure that this information would be crucial to others in Atlantis or back home. Well they were going home on this trip – even if it was a supply run. She mailed it out to her friends onboard the Daedalus along with the chain mail of Guides from Atlantis. She was sure they were going to appreciate these.

Heh, what fun it would be to see how some people reacted to these things… how would Caldwell react if he saw his Guide being spread around the galaxy?

Novak giggled quietly as Hermiod glared at her.

* * *

Sooooo... love it? Hate it? Adore... I won't go that far... lol 

Hey, now that I've trained you all to read the top authors notes, I have to train you to read the bottom author's notes! hehe... i digress... please gimme some feedback so i can cater to you guys' needs and fic desires! heh...


	19. The Wraith's Guide to the Galaxy

hey all! wassup? lol, yeah... no apologizing this time because it didnt take me THAT long to put this chapter out... i hope it stands up to its predecessors... really.

anyway, although i didnt get a ton of reviews, all the reviews were very sweet! thanks a lot you guys!

**atlantian** - HA! i knew i'd train you guys to read top and bottom A/Ns! omg, mckays response to carter, yeah!  
**nightpheonix** - lol, okay, woot for you for reading all A/Ns! novak was fun to do... MDS: muse denial syndrome, pah  
**Delka** - sorry this last one didnt do as well in your mind, i hope this makes up for it! thanks for your honest review!  
**flubber** - lol, hermiod barely tolerates mckay! thats okay if your iMac wasnt working, you reviewed in spirit!  
**McKayLover** - a bit crazy? hehe, i'm mad! yay! yeah daedalus will do one... i promise!  
**Sepik** - i'm very happy that the last chapter ranked so high for you! yay! thanks!  
**stevewraith** - now that you say it, yeah hermiod is very mckay, isnt he? LOL! thanks for that!  
**SilverRider** - who said asgard are smarter than us? lol... not me of course! happy you love this fic! thank you!  
**Whirlwind-2005** - lol, the daedalus crew shall be fun.. but yeah, hermiod gets one next! i could never miss him!  
**Port-of-Seas** - oh hermiod'll write one... he just needed to see how it was done first! not so clever now asgard, are you?  
**Yarrharr** - hey! good to see ya again! wow... thats a heck of a review! thanks for all the praise! (_hugs_)  
**Freckles-101** - omg... earth will be totally fun, if not totally crazy... there are SOOO many people on earth to do... thanks!  
**Romulus Magnus** - thanks! well asgard are very lawyer-ish... except for thor, but we havent seen him... glad you liked it!

hm... i imagine people are on vacation and thats why this didnt get so many reviews.. i hope it wasnt b/c it was bad.. lol, the second chapter got exactly this many reviews too, 13... oh well...

OH! speaking of vacation, i'll be going to poland (yay!) on Aug. 11th and coming back the 27th... they'll be time to check your lovely reviews, but not enough time to write a new chapter... i'm sooooooo sorry! i'll be sure to write one as soon as i come back!

anyway.. the chapter everyone's been waiting for! chapter 19!

* * *

Telepathy could be a blessing… or a curse. It was a blessing because it allowed for smoother directions and instructions to be sent along. It could be a curse because mind-voices hurt and it was really weird to receive messages not meant for you. 

SilverBlade of the SwiftKill Hive walked along the organic corridors of his ship, out for a midnight stroll. He looked all important walking down the hallways… not that he wasn't or anything. Something was repeating itself though over and over again in his mind and he couldn't figure out what **it** was. It seemed to be a transmission or something. He stopped on the side of the corridor and cocked his head slightly. Several younger Wraith walked by, eying him warily. He snarled at the looks that seemed demeaning.

After all, as the Queen's head male, he was not allowed to have crazy voices in his head.

SilverBlade continued down the hallway, trying to make out just what exactly the message read as. For all he knew, the faint message might be from the Queen. No… when she had an order for him it was loud and clear. Maybe she was sleeping… maybe it was someone nearby sleeping. Great…

Reaching his room, SilverBlade disarmed himself. Multiple blades left many more pockets along with a fancy gun he'd found on the planet the Hive had culled earlier that day. After this ritual, he plopped himself on his bed and thought.

Minutes went by.

Suddenly SilverBlade shot up. He understood the message! It was no order from the Queen or anyone's dreams; it was a random transmission for anyone who wanted to read it. Quickly he reviewed it in his head and found it to be a repeating sequence. The message named itself as "The Ancient Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy." Accompanying this message was a similar one, but it was addressed from a Stargate.

Interesting.

SilverBlade decided he would be more wary of stargates in the future…

Now SilverBlade considered himself to have a sense of humor – an aspect where many of his kind lacked. He also had a healthy sense of self, not overly egotistical, but just perfect for a high ranking Wraith. He noticed that both "Guides" had a title and seven points with minor points explaining each major point.

He grabbed a pad sitting on his table, one used by the scientists for checking the ship's systems. Luckily it also had a writing pad. Using his sharp fingernails carefully, SilverBlade began to tap out a message of his own.

OOO

The Wraith Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1.Watch your back while eating.

... a. Someone might be there to stab you while you are enraptured with your meal.

... b. You don't really want some lowly human killing you while you eat, do you?

2. Steer clear of Atlantis!

... a. While very very tasty and could potentially lead to a massive feeding ground, these humans are bad business!

... b. Please violate rule 2a if you are part of a rival Hive. You're very welcome to go find out how armed they are.

3. Sap the life from your Runners so they can't get back at you!

... a. After all, we train our Runners to the highest standards and if one ever got out, we'd be screwed.

... b. They know everything… beware.

4. When a feeding is set up, be very **very** suspicious.

... a. Just last month we lost our highest male to a drug that runs through a victim and kills the feeder. NOT GOOD!

... b. Some of those humans are actually quite clever. It's rare, but they're there and they're very clever.

5. Why settle for human food if human is the food? You don't!

... a. Don't eat human food! Our stomachs aren't made for that shit.

... b. Just remember: a good Wraith doesn't let food run away.

... c. They also don't eat sissy food.

6. When wiping out a rival race, WIPE THEM OUT!

... a. Don't leave survivors! Yeah they may breed for next generation, but they'll breed killers and you'll be the reason for the downfall of the Wraith race!

... b. Heh, wouldn't that suck…

7. If you see a human with long white hair, kill him.

... a. He's probably one of us! Might be your cousin or something…

... b. But hey, he's a potential rival and good food! Ex-wraiths are some of the best around.

... c. Think of him as… a delicacy.

SilverBlade finished tapping out his rules with a ruthless grin on his face. It was an open mouthed grimace that passed off as a Wraith smile. He looked proud at the work he had accomplished in the last half hour. SilverBlade didn't know if the Queen would appreciate the humor (because everyone knows that she had no sense of humor at all) but he knew his buddies would.

Without disclosing their location, SilverBlade sent off the message as a burst of data in sub-space. Anyone could pick it up and no one would know it had been him who wrote it.

He chuckled; it was fun to dabble in the sciences sometimes.

Hey, maybe he should dabble some more… after all that cure to getting to Atlantis was due any day now…

* * *

Sooooooooooooo? How'd it do? Did it stand up to expectations? Please tell me if it did or not...

**ALL READERS, READ THIS:**

Okay, many of you have been wondering what on earth I meant by "two veins" of the story... let me show you!

This is the Guides progression:

**from the Guide Atlantis wrote:**

**Novak **(on the Daedalus)  
**Hermiod  
the 2IC  
Daedalus  
**and on to **Earth!**

**from the Guide the Atlantis Stargate wrote:**

**the Ancients  
the Wraith  
the Genii **(?)  
**the Brotherhood **(?)  
**the Athosians **(?)  
etc...

I'm switching off between the two paths for now until the Daedalus reaches Earth then the Guides that spawned from the Guide Atlantis wrote will be finished... then all I have to do is track down every race capable of receiving a message and writing a Guide for them... lol, sounds like fun eh? I hope this demonstration was easier to understand than my previous explanation!


	20. The Asgard's Guide to the Galaxy

hello hello hello! i'm back from my trip! i had a lot of fun, but i did miss you all dearly! i've been trying to catch up with life the last two days, but now i'm caught up! AND i've written another chapter for you all! i really hope it's good...

**Delka** - lol, the wraith's name was just a name, one i thought appropiate for a wraith! glad you liked it!  
**atlantian** - YAY! in Common Ground I was hoping for a name, but i guess my chapt will have to do, thanks!  
**Sepik** - you liked the description? thats good, i worked hard on that! thanks a bunch!  
**Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith** - lol, your name is huge... i'm very happy that the three of you liked the chapter and it stood up to par!  
**fififolle** - likeable for a wraith! yes! thats kinda what i was heading for.. likeable but still snarls at ya! heh, sissy food...  
**Beach chickJASSNL** - i did have fun, thanks! glad you liked the name of SilverBlade and the hive name! it seemed right  
**Whirlwind-2005** - those wraith man... i'd stay out of their way too... i'm very happy you liked the rules!  
**nightpheonix** - (_snort_) mr. hooper was a fake in comparision, lol... ah but the muse worked while i was chucked off a horse in Poland!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - lol, i know you reviewed in your heart! that works for me! but thanks for the promise! (_hugs_) yay!  
**Cpt. Ritter** - welcome aboard story finder! i'm glad i've got you laughing! just beware of people around you and food in your mouth...  
**AfoE** - well, nice strong wraith-people have got to be good feeding specimens... right? and thanks, i did have fun in Poland!  
**scifiprincess** - the entity's guide Earth will get because it was onboard the Daedalus... that should be fun!  
**Port-of-Seas** - yay Lathan plushie! i might get one... and yes, michael will have his own guide soon enough! hehehe!  
**TangledPencils** - cool name and hello to the crazyness! lol, no druggy stuff involved, just a strange muse... lol, glad you like it so far!  
**flubber** - yeah, of course i'll post the Milky Way Guides on wouldnt want to lose you guys! happy you liked the chapter!  
**EVS** - lol... lovin it? i'm very very excited about that! doh, now the mcdonalds tune is stuck in my head... oh well! hope to see ya next time!  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - woot! glad you get the two veins thing! at least someone knows whats happening! glad to see you reviewing!  
**Yarrharr** - thanks! i'm glad to see hear you liked it so much! thanks for thinking all of them were good! yay! (_hugs_)  
**Freckles-101** - hehe, the name is one of my favorite points, glad you enjoyed it too! you wont have to wait any longer for chapters!  
**stevewraith** - YAY! thats great that the chapter lived up to your expectations! soooo happy! i hope this one does too!

awwwww... thanks you guys! after not hearing too much english and loving words for the last two weeks, this was great! i really hope this chapter stands up to your rigous expectations, lol!

i would have gotten you all something from Poland, but i think i would have run out of luggage space and money because there's so many of you! I'll tell you more about Poland below... but first... chapter 20!

-------------------------------------

Back on the Daedalus, a small, but very important alien was muttering incoherently about something. Everyone around him glanced at him then continued working, sighing and not understanding a word of it. Did I mention his mutterings were incoherent? This was so because the mutterings were in a different language. Asgard, to be specific.

Hermiod was groaning about all the "emails," as the human Novak had called them, that had cropped up on his laptop. Thank god his control panel wasn't overridden with them. All these emails seemed to be focused on one topic only: Guides for new personnel. Hermiod had seen Novak… what was it?… laughing after reading these Guides. Laughing generally meant that something was amusing. As far as Hermiod could tell, nothing was very amusing about these emails. Then again, humans had a rather strange sense of humor…

Hermiod thought these Guides, some of them, were actually well written with advice that could be spread to future generations. On this note, a small light bulb went off in the massive brain of the Asgard. Would it hurt if **he** wrote some good advice? Nah…

OOO

The Asgard Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Never overestimate your companions.

... a. Many of them are on a lower level of knowledge than you. That is good.

... b. If they are not lower than you, make them be.

2. Do not let your superiors goad you into a position that insults your intelligence.

... a. This is generally not good for your health and sanity.

3. When dealing with Doctor McKay, try to keep your cool.

... a. If you do not, you will only be letting him win in a battle of stupidity.

... b. You do not want someone boasting about how they are better than you if you let them intimidate you.

... c. Your "cool" and infinite ego will make him be quiet in a simple, well phrased statement.

4. Ask humans to define words such as "shit."

... a. It is not part of your language and therefore you do not know how bad "shit" really is.

5. If you are a pacifist, do not get placed on a warship!

... a. This is plain dumb.

... b. If you do manage this, act with every shred of irritation when performing acts of war.

6. Nice humans can be dealt with kindly.

... a. Humans such as Novak, who fight for your position, can be regarded kindly even if she is dumber than us.

... b. This act may improve your status amongst humans and may gain you an ally.

7. Impress the humans endlessly.

... a. Because of your supreme intelligence and importance to a mission, you may ramble off "technobabble" as long as you like.

... b. No one will stop you while you run off what **exactly** is wrong and how **exactly** one could fix it.

... c. It is a wonderful feeling.

Hermiod finished his very important Guide and quickly emailed it off to everyone's email he knew. With a brain like his, that was a lot of emails he knew. Hermiod was satisfied by his latest attempt to do well. Actually, satisfied wasn't _exactly_ the correct word. He was… proud of the work he had accomplished.

Maybe **now** the humans would listen to him after the wise words of advice he had cleverly written. Now he might be able to get his way a little more with their silly and very impatient commander, Colonel Caldwell. If Hermiod had a long enough tongue, he would have stuck it out at the Daedalus and its crew.

So there!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, first off: thank you to all the well-wishers that wished me fun on my trip! I can say that I did have fun. Despite not knowing the langauge and occasionally making a fool of myself because of that failing, I had fun.

We went to Warsaw (the capital), Krakow, Zakopane (its in the mountains), and the lakes region called Mazury. lol, actually in Mazury I got "separated" from an Arabian horse twice in a half hour. Thats a record considering the last time i got spilled off a horse was nine years ago! I'm a pretty good rider, but there were some things about the horse that i didnt know... it was Arabian. That answers mostly why i fell off. Heh...

God... we mostly ate our way through Poland... the food there is sooo good (when not with mushshrooms or onions) and sooo fatty! There was no internet really though... so I did really miss you all! Not only that... but school's starting soon... bah..

Anyway! Hope you liked this chapter as much as you did the last one!


	21. The Pseudo Ancients' Guide to the Galaxy

Hello again! wassup? i hope all your vacations were great (if you got off vacation that is) and i hope your school isnt as messed up as mine is... anyway, i'm sorry it took me a bit to get this done, but i kinda ran dry for a little bit, but then my muse, Djari, decided to get off her own private vacation and start working again! Imagine that...

**Sepik** - thank you for your very honest review, it's good to know that someone isnt afraid to speak their mind constructively  
**Freckles-101** - well, **I** didnt have much internet access... I'm glad you liked the Hermiod chapter, i hoped it'd be funny!  
**Port-of-Sea** - hehe, yeah, hermiod as a little kid! cool! yeah, the trip was pretty cool! thanks for asking!  
**McKayLover** - france is pretty sweet too, but i cant speak french to save my life, hope you had fun! and thanks for the review!  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - heh, mckay and his ego, i swear, if he didnt win a stupidity battle, he'd cry in his quarters...  
**ShaedowCat** - ah, ford will have his own - i guarentee it... as for the sgc, they will have their own story! glad you liked it!  
**Cpt. Ritter** - a person of few words? lol, thats okay... i'm glad you thought it was "Nice..." hope this chapter rates fine too  
**MuseUrania** - awww! thank you! i never thought i'd have an alien like Hermiod "down pat"! _(hugs)_ yay!  
**fififolle** - lol, yeah hermiod has a lot of smugness, i'm glad you felt it oozing out of the computer at you... hehe!  
**nightpheonix** - good to be back! can you imagine mckay trying to explain "shit" to hermiod? a creature that out-egoes him?  
**Delka** - roswell totally had it the whole time: beware the little aliens! they can stick it to the man! lol, thanks for the review!  
**flubber** - wow, you left a massive review! thanks! have we seen any girl asgard yet? i would love to hear hermiod say "Asgard do not snark!"  
**Yarrharr** - i know, school is crazy! college huh? fun fun fun... lol, glad to have ya laughing! one thing i do best is make ppl laugh! (i think)  
**AkimaDoll** - aw, cmon, arabians are sooo much fun to ride! very smooth ride! thanks for the review!  
**stevewraith** - hermiod has that quality, doesnt he? he doesnt mean to be funny, but is! i'm glad you found that in the chapter!  
**TangledPencils** - ha, what boundaries? lol, i didnt know craziness knew such a thing! can you imagine jack reading hermiods guide? lol  
**nwfairy** - hello newcomer and thanks for new coming! glad you think this fic is very funny! that makes me happy!  
**SilverRider** - have we every seen asgard tongues? i mean they cant be very long, right? i wonder what color they are... thanks!  
**Stargate Junkie** - just found it eh? lol, thanks for reading and reviewing it! i appreciate it! and welcome to the story!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - nah, havent actually done an athosians guide yet, coming soon! yup, i had fun in poland! thanks for asking and reviewing!  
**Romulus Magnus** - lol, he would only compliment novak when no one else was looking... its hermiod.. lol, thanks for reviewing!

YAY! Lots of reviews! Thank you all sooooo much! Thank you to all the people who asked about my trip too!

**PLEASE READ:**

About Stargate, before I forget, SciFi Channel is cancelling the show Stargate SG-1 saying that they've run dry. Unlike other shows, they still have a lot of episodes to show and SG-1 is still in production and the cast and crew still want to go on. If we act now, we can maybe get SciFi to rescind the cancellation or get Stargate SG-1 moved to another channel. Anything to keep the show alive! So, if you are a concerned fan, please go to www(dot)savestargatesg1(dot)com and sign the petition and/or send a fax or call someone at SciFi and tell them that they should rescind the cancellation!

Now that that's out of my system, here's chapter 21!

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Life in the Pegasus Galaxy was interesting. You met new people everyday and they might be as old as 10,000 years or as young as two. Being 10,000 years old yourself though, got to be kind of boring after a while until some new element entered your life.

Such had been life in Asuras. The Atlantians had come and discovered the Asurans' true form and reason for living. Now he was floating out in space. That's right, Niam, one of the higher members of the pseudo-Ancients was floating aimlessly through space. Maybe he'd reach Asuras if he was floating in the right direction…

Anyway, while his body may not have worked, Niam's brain still functioned. While he was floating around, a subspace transmission entered his mind. It wasn't from the Atlantians, but rather from the Wraith. That was surprising; he didn't know the Wraith sent off unofficial transmissions. Following the Wraith transmission was a trail of similar transmissions originating in Atlantis. Imagine that.

Niam was able to appreciate the human humor because in McKay's attempt to make Niam less hostile, McKay had tweaked his 'humor circuit,' at least that's what McKay said. It was… interesting to be able to understand something so unique to humans. Maybe some other time (he had endless amounts of it) he could ponder his makers' personas more fully. For now, for a lack of ideas, Niam started using his brain for something quite out-of-the-ordinary.

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Pseudo-Ancients

1. Don't piss off the Atlantians.

... a. If you find yourself looking at an awful lot of black, you know you have succeeded in disobeying this law.

... b. Looking at endless space is one of the many things Atlantians might do to you if you manage to dishonor their trust.

2. When impersonating another race, try to do it well.

... a. If the race you are impersonating was a kind and benevolent race, try not to be cold and harsh. It gives you away.

... b. Besides, acting the opposite of the race you're impersonating really gives off some bad vibes.

3. If you're in possession of more ZPMs than you need, give one to the Atlantians and get them out of your hair.

... a. Trust me; it'll be better off for you and your race.

4. A trusting nature only goes so far.

... a. Our brethren Fifth tried being kind to humans and he got stuck in a time-dilation field. I tried it and I got thrown out the back of a puddlejumper.

... b. In other words, a 50/50 foresight of other races is highly recommended.

... c. Don't trust humans blindly or you'll get punished. They're humans, you think about it.

5. When your leader makes a decision, agree with him.

... a. If you don't, you will probably get into some deep shit.

6. When sucking memories, try not to get side-tracked with their erotic hopes.

... a. It can be really embarrassing when the person realizes what you've been doing.

... b. You transmit this stuff to the rest of the population… how does that make you feel?

7. If you're going to change your programming, make a block so it can't be changed.

... a. I mean really, if you want to stay the same, make a block and then you'll make it safely to where you want to be.

... b. If you don't make a block, you'll probably end up in a really bad place.

Niam still felt terrible about betraying the team that had probably saved his life even after he helped Oberoth interrogate them. His hatred had been reprogrammed into him though. So after he floated home, maybe he would take over the High Council. And then… he would take over Atlantis! Mwahaha!

_Clunk!_ He floated into some space junk.

Heh, Niam wouldn't be taking over anything anytime soon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**REMEMBER: Go to savestargatesg1(dot)com** **to save our show!**

Heh, dont forget to review either!


	22. The Bridge Officer's Guide to the Galaxy

hello everyone! sorry for the long wait!!!! i had school and then i had driver's ed in school.. didnt get home until 5:00-5:10 pm every day for two weeks! ugh... anyway, i'm back now! lol, just thought i'd tell ya! i hope you all signed the petition to keep Stargate SG-1 from being canceled! if not, please check the last chapter for the address to the petition!!!

oh and sorry to the people that havent seen Season Three yet... i'll stop using characters that appear only in season three until most people get caught up!

**Cpt. Ritter** - hey! good to see you again!!! welcome back! lol, poor niam is right... sorta i guess... oh well, again welcome back and thanks!  
**atlantian** - lol, favorite rules are 1-7 eh? thanks! glad you liked it so much!!! i know, him and Fifth could gripe on and on and on! thanks for signing the petition!  
**AFoE** - nah, thinking dirty thoughts in a mentally connected community isnt embarrassing at all! LOL! i wonder though, who was Niam thinking about like that?  
**fififolle** - lol, niam floated out of nowhere onto my computer screen... i felt bad for niam, but secretly (now hes been rewritten) he wants to conquer the world... thanks!  
**flubber** - sorry about that... niam is a RepliPerson like Fifth from Season Three, i'll try not to use people from season 3 anymore... but yeah, he's a piece of work...  
**EVS** - oy, sorry to you too, like i said before, Niam is like Fifth, but in the Pegasus... hope you liked it even so... i wouldnt use people from s3 anymore! thanks for reviewing!  
**Neko-Cat-Sama** - no problem... i cant believe they would try and shut it down when the cast wants to go on too! they'll probably move to atlantis... lol  
**McKayLover** - glad you enjoyed the chapter... on the savestargatesg1 site, there should be a link to the petition online, i dont rememer where it is though... sorry...  
**nightpheonix** - _(snort)_ loved the dramatic review... "Contemplates his navel!" my fave! lol made my day actually! glad you enjoyed the last chapter! yay, i surprised you, sweet!  
**nwfairy** - sweet! i heart you for sending in a tissue box! my hero!!!! thanks for reviewing the last chapter!!!! and for sending things in!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - lol, just because its hard to be bad when running itno space junk, doesnt mean you cant try! lol, i'll give niam that much! thanks for your review!!!  
**Gatemage** - yay! beautiful and fantastic!!! sweet! major bonus points! thank you so much and i'm thrilled you liked the last chapter so much!  
**Freckles-101** - i know, i'd hate to see SG-1 especially when the cast doesnt even want it to end! _(sniffle)_ i hope we win!!! thanks for the review!  
**Delka** - now, now - no road rage and blaming it on me! but yeah, thats you get if you try to save a replicator... they always come back to haunt or kill ya! lol  
**SilverRider** - lol, glad you enjoyed the chapter! glad you see you back again too! please do read on, lol  
**stevewraith** - yeah, niam got what he deserved - he's gonna be floating through space for eternity... MHAHAHA! hee... hee... lol, thanks!  
**Port-of-Seas** - lol, yes, yes they do... humans do screw over nanite lifeforms! hehe, maybe thats a good thing... glad you enjoyed the last chapter  
**TangledPencils** - hehe, glad this stuck with you throughout the day! lol, glad this chapter made such an impression! thanks for the review!

thanks for all the loving reviews again!!! you guys are great!!! you guys get an iFeast with anything you could possibly want!!! thank you thank you thank you all!

and now... chapter 22!

* * *

The first officer aboard the Daedalus sat comfortably in his body-melding chair. Well, actually the **chair** didn't meld; it was the very comfortable pads on the chair. See, the Air Force figured out that bridge officers might be sitting for a very long time. Something even more miraculous than figuring it out was that they actually did something about the problem! Imagine that! 

So there he sat, idling tapping buttons to keep his console awake. It operated a lot like your typical computer in the fact it had ship-wide email, could get illegal Solitaire, and it tried to conserve energy when not being used by shutting off a bit. The good thing was that it wasn't as edgy as your typical PC, thank whatever gods existed!

The screen suddenly brightened up with a cheerful beep. Captain Kleinman reached over and tapped open his email account. He glanced at it briefly, looking for the mail that had awakened his computer. There were a few, but the most important one seemed to have gone out to the entire ship… and man did it have a LOT of forwards… it looked like chain mail. He opened it and scrolled waa-aay down to the bottom of the email and found the Guides.

"Oh wow…" he murmured softly. He was amazed by the amount of Guides and who they had been authored by. Kleinman quickly found on labeled "The CO's Guide to the Galaxy" and quickly looked up at Caldwell in his captain's chair.

Suddenly Caldwell shone in a brand new light for him.

With that feeling, a sudden light sprang alive in the captain's head. If these officers could do it, he couldn't he?

Kleinman quickly decided that was a question that shouldn't have been asked in the first place…

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Bridge Officers

1. When in doubt, look busy.

... a. Press buttons, look good, and always answer with a snappy and optimistic "Yes sir, it can be done sir!"

... b. It generally works.

2. If McKay starts snapping at you, don't say anything back. Just sigh.

... a. If you snap back at him, he'll squeal – especially if you break his groove.

... b. It's not worth getting yelled at for… insulting scientists is something the Air Force **really** wants to minimize because they complain a lot.

3. If the ship you are on starts to die, do the following:

... a. Hit some important buttons to minimize the oncoming pain.

... b. Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

... c. If ass is still there after ten minutes, look up.

... d. If you haven't hit whatever yet, repeat b. If the threat is gone, make apologies for being weird and get on with life.

4. Never steal "the man's" chair.

... a. It's not cool. The "man" gets very mad.

5. When saying bad things about people, don't use unprotected AIM.

... a. That's just stupid… not saying I ever did it.

... b. Your commander **will** find out, be assured of that.

6. Don't be a big hero.

... a. The bigger a hero is, the faster he dies.

7. When heading into a balck hole, check your sensors before they die!

... a. It's generally a **really** good idea to do that as space-time distortion kills them.

... b. If you don't check them, something else will probably kill you.

Kleinman sighed, that was a pretty decent list of things to abide by, right? He hoped that people would listen to his dire warnings and prevent suffering on their respective ships. Commanding officers were generally correct, but not always.

He quickly glanced at Caldwell from the corner of his eye. Well, maybe not generally correct… maybe the second officer should run the ship! He chuckled at that. **Him?** Running a ship? What an idea…

Caldwell looked at him with an interested look in his eyes. Kleinman coughed and went back to work. Caldwell was about to ask something when the alarms went off.

_Saved by the bell… _he thought quickly. What would it be like to sit in the chair?

A sly grin appeared on his face and he hit some important buttons.

* * *

hehehehehe... soooo, like it? love it? hate it? flame it? be warned, you flame with no reason, i flame you back! MAHAHA! anyway, please tell me what you think of it!

AGAIN please **Save Stargate SG-1** by going to **www (dot) savestargatesg1 (dot) com!!!!** and then come back and tell me about my story! lol


	23. The Genii's Guide to the Galaxy

hello hello hello!!! sorry about the almost month long wait for this! really sorry... i had a wicked case of writers block which i hope i got over while writing this chapter...

anyway... we're almost back to Earth with the Guides!!! imagine that! lol, I hope that excites some of you out there! good...

**atlantian** - lol, i'm very glad you found it so funny! hmm... you have a secret hideout? cool... you mumble about dead caldwell...  
**flubber** - god, i already answered most of your review (thank you for it!) but driver's ed went fine and i'm going to take my road test on Wednesday!  
**Celestial Pendant** - oh dear... one from Jeannie would be really funny i think, maybe she could do it while on Earth! thanks for the idea!!!  
**stevewraith** - hmm, gotta love pressing important buttons! i think its fun.. i dont know about you, but... i'm glad you enjoyed the chapter  
**nwfairy** - snail mail, email, AND a tissue box!? you are a champion of SG-1! very nice work! and lol, yes, looking busy is a great thing!  
**nightpheonix** - ha, well you didnt review! anyways, yeah, caldwell just might have a mutiny... i mean, its caldwell - who could resist?  
**Delka** - what? the important buttons at work are off-limits? well thats no fun! lol... very happy you liked the chapter! thanks much!  
**fififolle** - (_grins_) those guys are great, arent they? lol, yeah, work a little but look busy is a favorite of mine... not saying i do it... ;)  
**SilverRider** - hey! havent seen you in a bit! as for the hero bit, everyone who tries too hard to be a hero gets hurt or dies.. almost like McKay  
**001ElvenWarrior** - oh really? little bells eh? thats really cool! thanks! as for S3, its really good! a new SG "era"? that doesnt sound good... thanks!  
**Port-of-Seas** - heh, me neither... they do a great job of looking busy, dont they? they're pros at it! thanks for reviewing! glad you liked it!  
**Reefgirl** - i know... poor Kleinman, although "recently" he got to do a lot of stuff with caldwell, thats pretty good! woot! thanks for the review!!!

yay reviewers! boo non-reviewers! what happened to my reviewers??? have they been picked off one by one by the Atlantian sea monster!? (_looks around_) he can swim here?? if more of you review, i'll demand that he not eat you! thanks...

anyways... on to... (_drum roll_) chapter 23!

* * *

A man was idly standing around, waiting on their leader. He was fooled by the same trick that had worked on **every** race of people that had come through. With a quick nod of the head, the man was no more. A lovely new mine had gone off under his feet. Only then did Cowen appear – and he was smiling! 

Kolya applauded himself and his team on a job well done. He didn't care what that sniveling fool Cowen thought, but **he** knew it was a great demonstration. The traitor had had no clue about the Genii and what they **really** were.

As Cowen came near, Kolya called a line-up and quickly his team was standing beside him in order of rank. They saluted their "leader." Kolya sneered after Cowen passed him. Suddenly, the man came back.

"Kolya, there is a communication for you inside your office. I suggest you go look at it," he said directly. To this, Kolya only nodded and walked off. What was this message? No one sent messages to him that Cowen would ever know about. Curious…

He reached his office and sat down at the crude computer station. This station was able to receive subspace communications – per his request. He needed to know about his offworld operations and this computer was his answer. He opened up the communication and read it through thoroughly. Kolya barked a sharp laughter – the races of the Pegasus Galaxy were doing **something** and it had all started at Atlantis.

God… Atlantis really ticked him off… so he decided to send back a warning.

OOO

The Genii Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Overtake the Atlantians.

... a. They are cunning and very smart, but they can be conquered.

... b. If they are conquered, it is a very rich investment.

... c. They've got a pretty sweet crib too…

2. Don't let a measly shoulder wound stop you!

... a. You're a wimp if you do!

3. Make no rain dates.

... a. Rain dates mess up plans.

... b. If you're going to do something nasty to another, put your heart and soul into it. Rain dates are for those who aren't committed.

... c. Besides, it won't kill you to get a little wet.

4. Haunt your enemies.

... a. Just when they think you're gone, show up at their doorstep with a hundred men and guns.

... b. Either that or kidnap him. Both ways work…

5.** Always** hold the upper hand.

... a. It's so much healthier for you – you don't have to do much work.

6. Expand your empire – even if your leader doesn't know it.

... a. This way, you can be ready for anything – including a coup.

... b. Besides, it's so much fun to rule the galaxy!

7. Be double-crossing.

... a. Be so double-crossing that you even cross yourself once or twice.

... b. It makes people SOOO confused if you do. If they're confused, you can take stuff!!

Kolya stretched triumphantly. This was a pretty good list of "warnings" to send off into space. Beware the Genii, it proclaimed. Bow to our awesome power. Kolya sat back and thought quickly… half the worlds in the Pegasus galaxy had a Genii presence, known or not. How easy would it be to overthrow Cowen?

The man grinned evilly and tapped his fingers together. First the home world, then Atlantis, and then the galaxy! And heck, then other galaxies! YES! Ultimate rule was within sight! Now, how to actually do all this was the question…

* * *

sooooooooooo... like it? hate it? what? i need to know!!! really i do... its how i get better at writing! FEEDBACK! feed me back seymour... 


	24. From Pegasus to the Milky Way

ok, first off I would like to say that i am REALLY sorry that I haven't written ANYTHING in the last couple months... not even a quickie story to keep you all amused... that's totally my fault... sorry...

second, i'd love to say that there's a new chapter up and i think i've gotten over my writer's block!!!! WOOT!

**atlantian** - lol, at least i know that the galaxy is relatively safe in your hands! kolya's hands are ugly...  
**Whirlwind-2005** - everyone should double-croos themselves! it gets you quite tangled up, but you're insane all the same! LOL!  
**fififolle** - i'm very glad you throughly enjoyed kolya! i tried to make him very up to par! i guess i succeeded! thanks!  
**Lisa** - oooh! maybe there will be a story (eventually) where someone tries to take the Guides seriously enough to try them! thanks!  
**nwfairy** - i like Atssie for the sea monster's name... maybe i will honor that name in a Guide! and yea, genii are kindy creepy...  
**Port-of-Seas** - kolya IS entirely too energetic for his age and for someone who's been shot so many times! thanks for your time!  
**Reefgirl** - kolya is like the Energizer Bunny... he just keeps coming and coming and coming... (**mutters)** megalomaniac...  
**Freckles-101** - ook! vala doing a guide will be quite amusing! that'll be in the Milky Way guides though... here's the next chapt! (finally)  
**Yarrharr** - lol, calvinball... what's that? sounds pretty funny! glad you enjoyed kolya's chapter! he had fun making it too!  
**TangledPencils** - i guess you're no fan of the genii then? oh well... i hope you enjoyed the chapter all the same!  
**nightpheonix** - oh yes, the Atlantean Sea Monster occasionally likes to feast on bad reviewers... the genii are totally evil!  
**Knightgirl4Jack** - thats ok about your comp... just give it a kick... anyway, i'm happy (and frightened slightly) by your worship of that chapt!  
**SilverRider** - lol, yeah, kolya probably wants john's hide and head mounted on a wall somewhere in the multiverse... sick...  
**Delka** - oh, important buttons are totally fun... if you're allowed to push them! sounds like an interesting job you have! important buttons!!!

woohoo! finished that! and i believe i have figured how where my reviewers have been disappearing to, actually i think atlantian found out why... in her words "...the giant atlantian Sea Monster got miffed that everyone was reviewing for you and paying no attention to him, so he gobbled up a few reviewers. I hid under a spiffy Atlantian Stargate, and was thus saved from finally seeing the inside of a stomach."

Go figure. The sea monster has always been awfully jealous...

but now...! (_drum roll_) THE NEW CHAPTER! (_trumpets blare_)

* * *

Daedalus had just landed on Earth and the first duty it had was to download all of its mission briefings and stuff like that. 

It was all rather boring.

Caldwell and his first officer, Kleinman, scoured through the ship's archives to find what they actually wanted to send to the SGC and what they didn't want anyone to find ever.

OOO

General Landry stood 28 floors underground in the SGC. He was receiving the information from Daedalus. They had a lot of junk to sort through, he noticed quickly. The download was taking forever! Then again, Daedalus hadn't been on Earth for the last three or so months.

A voice brought Landry out of his reverie. "General?"

"Hmm?" he answered back.

Sergeant Walter Harriman continued, "Sir, the download from the Daedalus is complete. They are requesting the time of their debriefing."

Landry sighed in exasperation. Did people **ever** want to rest around here? He just wanted to get through a couple of the reports before he saw anyone.

"Tell them to go and take a break. I'll see them in three hours," the general ordered.

"Yes sir." Harriman went right away to informing the Daedalus of what time their meeting with Landry would be at.

"Thank you Walter," Landry said when the sergeant was done.

"No problem sir."

"If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office," Landry informed Walter as he took off.

"Yes sir!"

General Landry escaped to his office and logged into his computer. He scanned through the mission reports, trying to find the most interesting ones. They were given titles, boring and official ones, but Landry had learned to read past that. For instance if a title read: "Wraith at M9X-932" that usually meant a firefight ensued and someone had won or lost.

He left the boring ones alone until night. Landry fell asleep better when reading supply requests.

As the general searched through the muck to find something of interest, a gleaming beacon stood out. There was something in the mission reports that read as "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy." This title caught his interest and his eyebrows went up in mild surprise. He opened the document.

A hand flew to his mouth to prevent the overwhelming urge to laugh from coming out. This was hilarious! He supposed Colonel Sheppard had written this when he was bored or something! Maybe the Atlanteans needed something more to do… perhaps a false wraith attack might wake them up… nah.

Landry read through all 19 Guides that had been written by Atlantis personnel, Atlantis, and Hermiod. Of them all, Atlantis' and Hermiod's amused the general the most.

Chuckles started coming very easy as Landry read farther into the madness. He wiped some tears from his eyes. God, Landry hadn't laughed like this in ages! It felt good!

"Sir?" came a quietly inquiring voice. All of SG-1 stood outside his office door, looking at him like he'd mutated into something with sixteen heads. Landry quickly composed himself.

"Yes SG-1?" he asked quickly, trying to cover up his lapse in professionalism.

"Ah, we'll come back later… It seems as if we interrupted something," Cameron said slowly. He and Sam shared a look and they left. Daniel stood in the door gazing at Landry curiously, as if he were studying a puzzling object. Landry stared right back. Before he could say anything however, Daniel shook his head and left.

Landry got back to the Guides.

He deftly popped open a Word document and began to write.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy.

* * *

a perfect segway into the next story! oh by the way, this is by no means "the end" of the Pegasus Galaxy Guides... simply the end of the Tau'ri ones... all the ones from here on out are going to be Pegasus full-time inhabitants... the Guides of the SGC will continue in the next story "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy"

don't ask me when i'll get around to writing that... but i hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as you have prvious chapters!!!!! please review so i don't forget for another four freaking months!!!


	25. The Royal Guide to the Galaxy

hi y'all! Happy Valentine's Day! i'm so sorry this update has taken so long, but i couldn't think of any other race/group of beings to do until, today, i had a sudden epiphany on who to do! i hope its great!!!

(_blanches_) I've just taken a look at when the last time i updated was... sorry... it was 3/15/07... almost this time LAST year!!!! (_gets down on knees_) I'm so sorry!!! Will you ever forgive me?! I hope so... sorry... oh, by the way, this chapter comes off the branch dealing with people and cultures in the Pegasus Galaxy, not the Atlantis/Earth branch

**MiaRose 156** - hi! its always nice to see a new face! i'm glad you like the story!!!  
**E. Nagrom** - i'm glad you enjoyed it and i'm happy you finally read the whole thing!  
**tristans-hawk** - lol, hello to you too! i love reading stories late at night, it makes them crazier!!! thanks a bunch!  
**atlantian** - hello hello! lol, all the newbs should meet in a newb convention!? that'd be scary... and go whack that sea monster!  
**TangledPencils** - lol, if General Landry took over the universe, i think we'd all be nature watching! frightening... hehe!  
**NenyaVilyaNenya** - HI! havent seen you in a while!!! i'm so glad you made it back to reviewing!! and hope you enjoy the rest of the show!  
**Delka** - you gave Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way "potential," i hope you like what its turned into - madness... again... lol!  
**Celestial Pendent** - hello to you too! i hope Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way is up to par! wouldnt want to let you down!  
**flubber** - lol, now Landry and company have their own show! i hope you approve!!! glad you're having fun!!! thanks!  
**Jedi Knight Revan** - you're new too!! cool! hi! i might reuse characters later... or at least make them realize what they've done!  
**KariHermione** - hello! i'm glad you're enjoying the sleigh ride!!! lol, thanks a ton for reviewing!  
**Reefgirl** - LOL! "another guide, brilliantly done"? wow... thanks a bunch! i'm happy you're enjoying yourself!!!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - oh yes, the Milky Way inhabitants get a whole new fic!!! glad you approve!  
**lemons and wraith oh my** - wow, you read the entire thing in one stretch? that's dedication! i'm glad you enjoyed it so throughly!!!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - good thing you made it out of the Sea Monster! in a way, i did do a guide for Teyla and Ronon in the Local's Guide!  
**Whirlwind-2005** - yeah... the "relatively soon" thing got lost on me... i'm so sorry! i hope you enjoy this chapter though!!!  
**nwfairy** - yeah four months... this time i was bad... its been 11 months since i updated! i hope Atssie doesnt kill all of you... enjoy!  
**Port-of-Seas** - lol, i'm glad you approve!!! i hope this chapter is as equally clappable! yeah... enjoy!

woo... 18 of you! then again... i guess thats what happens in a year's time... but there are a bunch of new names i havent seen before and for you guys, welcome!!! that and my intros will train you to read the intros and outros... trust me.

So, on with the show!

* * *

Shortly after the long and tedious ceremony, the queen was finally united with her people. The coronation had gone on for a long time… much longer than she had planned. With all the bowing and kissing and congratulating… ugh. If the ceremony hadn't of ended when it did, Harmony would have died. 

Now she was bored. She had her devious sister to contend with, but that could wait. The Genii radio sat in front of Harmony. The new queen slipped off into thoughts about Doctor Rodney McKay and disgusted thoughts that she had once considered John Sheppard as a suitable king.

A sudden sound made her jump out of her reverie. Over the creaking static and buzzing, Harmony heard jumbled words… or a message coming though the Genii radio. What Harmony didn't realize was that the Genii radios also could receive short data bursts. The queen called for her Chief Technologian and sent him on his way with the device.

About a half hour later, the little man came scurrying back with a transcript of the message in hand. He murmured "Your Highness" (which immensely pleased Harmony) and ran off. Harmony read the script and found that it greatly amused her. She put it up in the Hall of Importance along with the painting of that fateful day with McKay and Sheppard.

Harmony sat down in her throne and smiled. An idea was forming… and it was gonna be good!

OOO

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy for Royalty

1. Always enlist in a savior.

... a. He can always become your king later, right?

2. Take forest survival lessons with Nolar Lumsbrik.

... a. You should only need three.

... b. Seeing that a princess can survive in the woods makes people gawk.

3. Always carry a pocketknife.

... a. You never know what'll happen if you don't.

4. If the glowy stone doesn't work, **don't** shoot it!

... a. Shooting ancient devices won't make them work better.

... b. Trust me.

5. When you want something, take it.

... a. Like food from Sheppard's bag.

6. Remember that Atlanteans are weird.

... a. Enough said…

7. Try not to find yourself stuck with foreigners during a fight fire.

... a. It won't be beneficial to your health.

... b. They generally don't work in your best interest.

... c. And they won't let you fire the guns…

Queen Harmony smiled down at her list of things to remember. She was proud – this should cover most everything. Now what?

Maybe she should put it in the city square where everyone could read it! Yes – that would do! And everyone would know the will of their rightful queen! Everyone **including** Rodney and John.

* * *

well??? i hope you all enjoyed this one! oh, by the way, this story will probably slow down a lot due to the lack of signifant new races/groups of people... when we find one of character, i will try and write something about them! 

in the meantime, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Milky Way Galaxy (HHGMWG) will continue on when I have some free time! Other than that, Happy Valentine's Day and Happy February Vacation!!!

2/14/08


End file.
